A dying grandma tells her grandchild, “I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash.”
The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, “Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn’t even know you had a farm. Where is it?”
With her last breath, Grandma whispered, “Facebook…”
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The real meaning of Study as given by engineering students
S = Sitting
T = Talking
U = Unlimited
D = Dreaming
Y = Yawning,
So get ready to study now :p
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Teacher : What is the longest word in the English language?
Little Johnny : Smiles
Teacher : How?
Little Johnny : There is a mile between the first and last letters!
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A man to his friend…
My mother in law died yesterday, I am trying to cry, But tears are not coming out, What do I do?
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Friend: No problem, just imagine she is back.. ๐
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Joseph bought a car by bank loan. But he did not pay loan amount. So they took the car from him.
Her wife entered the room and says,” I told you to pay the loan back otherwise we will lose our car.”
Joseph replied, โIf I knew before, than I would have taken a loan for my marriage also.
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Teacher: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
Little Johnny: You can’t fool me, Teacher… snakes don’t have feet.
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The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.
She said, “What are your golf clubs doing here?”
He looked her right in the eye and said, “This isn’t going to take all day, is it?”
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A zookeeper notices someone throwing $20 bills at the monkeys. The zookeeper tells the man to stop and that it’s not allowed.
“Of course it’s allowed!”, says the old man.
“No it’s not”, says the zookeeper.
“Sure it is, it says right here: ‘Don’t feed the monkeys. $20 fine.’
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A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China.
After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. “Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.”
I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!”
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An old man goes to a movie theater to see the latest James Bond movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at to purchase some popcorn.
The attendant says, ” $1.5 for popcorns Sir.”
“The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents.”
“Well, sir,” the attendant replied with a grin, “You’re really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now!!”
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Once A Girl asks Her Boyfriend : Why we have units to measure weight, height and distance But Not Love, Friendship and Trust?
Boy Thought For A While….Took Her In His Arms, Looked Deep In Her Eyes & Said “Look baby, Don’t Eat My Brain! I Have Already Failed In Physics.”
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Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eying my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son is a blonds Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.
The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally, he asked, “Are they your kids?”
“Yes, they are!” I answered proudly.
“They adopted?” he asked.
“Yes,” I replied.
“I thought so,” he concluded. “I figured you’re too old to have kids that small.”
This joke is submitted by Matt Heighton
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Teacher fell asleep in class and a Little Johnny walked up to him,
Little Johnny : “Teacher are you sleeping in class?”
Teacher: “No I am not sleeping in class.”
Little Johnny : “What were you doing sir ?”
Teacher: “I was talking to God.”
… …
The next day Little Johnny fell asleep in class and the same teacher walks up to him…
Teacher: “Johnny, you are sleeping in my class.”
Little Johnny : “No not me sir, I am not sleeping.”
Angry teacher: “What were you doing.??”
Little Johnny : “I was talking to God.”
Angry teacher: “What did He say??”
Little Johnny : “God said He never spoke to you yesterday…” ๐
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While the U.S. stock market was at an all time high, the ups and downs frightened a lot of small investors.
A guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and asked if he were worried.
He replied that he slept like a baby.
He was amazed and asked, “Really? Even with all the fluctuations?”
He said, “Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours.”
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Mom teaching maths to Little Johnny.
Lets practice maths Johnny. We will start with addition. Example Lily gave you 2 candies and 1 ice cream. What will be your answer?
Little Johnny blushes and says… I love You Lily ๐
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Teacher : What do you want to become in future ?
Student : After studying MBBS I want to join Police force and get a good job in Software company and work as Lawyer and construct big buildings and conduct research and become an Actor.
Teacher : Hey whats your name ?
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Student : Bill Google ๐
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Girl: “Whats the price of this blue dress?”
Salesman: “$700”
Girl: “Awwww….!”
Girl: “And that pink one?”
Salesman: “Awwww + Awwww…
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John: Is that beautiful car yours?
Matt: It is and it is not.
John: What do you mean?
Matt: When it is for shopping, it is my wife’s. When it is for a party, it is my son’s. And when it needs petrol, it is mine.
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When we were looking to buy property I had this overzealous realtor show us what can only be described as a totally worn-out old farm. I mean the land had just been worked to death. The weeds were hardly even growing.
The smiling super salesman said, “Now really, all this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze and some good people.”
I replied, “Yeah, I agree, but couldn’t the same be said of Hell?”
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Samantha took her dog to the parlor for a haircut, and asked what it would cost.
The hair cutter replied, ” $75″.
“I only pay 50 bucks for my own haircut!” said Samantha
The hair cutter replied, “Yes, but you don’t bite, do you?!”
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