At the end of the Cricket World Tournament the Indian manager decided to address the players.
‘Guys out of 10 teams we finished at the bottom, that’s pretty bad.’
‘It could have been worse,’ captain said.
‘How so?’ asked the manager.
‘There could have been more teams.’
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The cruise director of a cruise ship was demonstrating to a group of young passengers how the ship manages to stay level at sea.
“Do you know what level means?” he asked the group of six to eight year-olds.
Little Johnny replied immediately. “A level is something you need to pass to get to a harder screen in a video game.”
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It was rush hour, and when the bus finally arrived, it was packed.
I tried to force my way on, but no one would budge, although there was more than ample room in the back.
Then…….the bus driver took over.
“Excuse me, Ladies and Gentlemen,” he shouted. “Will all the beautiful, smart people please move to the back of the bus, and all the ugly stupid people stay up front.”
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When I went to get my driver’s license renewed, our local Motor Vehicle Bureau was packed.
The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”
The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, “It’s okay. That’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”
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An old lady went at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. One of the contemporary paintings caught her eye and she inquired of the tour guide, “What on earth is that?”
He smiled condescendingly. “That, dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and child.”
“Well, then,” snapped the little old lady, “why isn’t it?”
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A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, “Hey Tommy, want to play house?”
He says, “Sure! What do you want me to do?”
The girl replies, “I want you to communicate your feelings.”
“Communicate my feelings?” said a bewildered Tommy. “I have no idea what that means.”
The little girl smirks and says, “Perfect. You can be the husband then.”
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A salesman telephoned a household, and Little Johnny answered. Salesman: “May I speak to your mother?”
Little Johnny: “She’s not here right now.”
Salesman: “Well, is anyone else there?”
Little Johnny: “My sister.”
Salesman: “O.K., fine. May I speak to her?”
Little Johnny: “I guess so.”
At this point there was a very long silence on the phone.
Then:
Little Johnny: “Hello?”
Salesman: “It’s you. I thought you were going to call your sister.”
Little Johnny: “I tried. But I can’t get her out of the playpen.”
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Little Johnny and Little Samantha were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.
“Have you ever seen one of these before?” asked Little Samantha
“Yeah, my mom has one,” Little Johnny replied
Little Samantha – “What’s it for?”
Little Johnny “It’s a cursing machine, Every time my mom stands on it she gets really upset, and curses.”
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An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator.
The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted.
“You must mean the lift,” he said.
“No,” the American responded. “If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator.”
“Well,” the portiere answered, “over here we call them lifts”.
“Now you listen”, the American said rather irritated, “someone in America invented the elevator.”
“Oh, right you are sir,” the portiere said in a polite tone, “but someone here in England invented the language.”
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A man driving in Southern Indiana, heading for Kentucky, saw a sign that read: “LAST CHANCE FOR $1.55 GAS!!!”
He still had more than a quarter of a tank left, but figured he’d better take advantage of this opportunity to fill-up his tank cheap.
As he was getting his change from the attendant, he asked, “So, how much is gas in Kentucky?”
The man replied, “$1.25.”
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Blonde 1: That dress is too tight for you. It’s skintight!
Blonde 2: It’s tighter than my skin.
Blonde 1: How could anything be tighter than your skin?
Blonde 2: I can sit down in my skin, but I can’t in this dress.
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I wanted to take my kids to the movies but did not want to wait on line to buy the tickets, so I called ahead to the theater to buy them over the phone.
I asked, “How much is a ticket?”
They said, “Ten dollars.”
I asked, “How much for children?”
They said, “Same price, Ten dollars.”
I said, “The airlines charge half fare for children.”
They said, “OK, put your kids on a plane to somewhere, and you come to the movie. You’ll enjoy it a lot more that way.”
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Little Johnny had been searching through a stationer’s stock of greeting cards for some time when a clerk asked,
“Just what is it you’re looking for? A birthday greeting, message to a sick friend? An anniversary, or a congratulations to your mom and dad?”
Little Johnny shook his head and answered, “No….got any blank report cards?”
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An old man walks into the tax collector’s office and sat down and smiled at everyone.
“May I help you?” said the clerk in charge.
“No,” said the old man. “I just wanted to meet the people I have been working for all these years.”
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During the minister’s prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews.
Little Johnny’s mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, “Johnny, whomade you do such a thing?”
Little Johnny answered, soberly, “I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He just then did!”
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A man who was buying a sports shirt found the largest size was even not fitting.
“Where do I go from here?” he asked the clerk
“To the gym,” she replied.
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Two strangers were waiting for the bus and started to talk to each other.
First person: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
Second: It’s a girl. She’s my daughter.
First : Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t know that you were her father.
Second: I’m not. I’m her mother.
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A redneck is riding in a cab when they see a guy kicking a woman who’s lying on the sidewalk.
The cabbie zooms over, jumps out, and runs to help the lady.
Redneck rolls down the window, and starts yelling, “Stop it! Stop it! Stop the meter!”
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A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, “Here’s another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat,” and she pushes him back onto the seat.
A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up. Finally, the man says, “Look, lady, you’ve got to let me get up. I’m two miles past my stop already.”
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An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
‘Wal-Mart?’ the preacher exclaimed.
‘Why Wal-Mart?’
‘Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.’
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