Funny Jokes - Page 11

What Does HR means?

Hi,
GOOD MORNING.
After 10 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no recommendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation. The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying;

Myfriend, you have not worked here for even one day.

The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.

Manager:- How many days are there in a year?

Man:- 365 days and some times 366

Manager:- how many hours make up a day?

Man:- 24 hours

Manager:- How long do you work in a day?

Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.

Manager:- S! o, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?

Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3(one third)

Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?

Man:- 122 (1/3×366 = 122 in days)

Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?

Man:- No sir

Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?

Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days

Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?

Man:- 18 days.

Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?

Man:- 4 days

Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?

Man:- No sir!

Manager! :- Do you come to work on workers day?

Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- 2 days sir!

Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday )?

Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- 1 day sir!

Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?

Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?

Man:- None sir!

Manager:- So, what are you claiming?

Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that I was stealing Company money all these days.

Moral – NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!

HR=HIGH RISK


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English Can Be Fun

Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

In a London Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Outside a London second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a London conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR, THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)

People in other countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists. Here is a list of signs seen around the world :

At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctors office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel, Acapulco :
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE SHOULD WAIT AND SEE THE MANAGER.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

In a Calcutta Coffee House:
PEOPLE DISCARDING CIGARETTE STUBS IN CUPS WILL BE SERVED COFFEE IN ASH TRAYS


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Western Troubles

A tired man walks into a bar and sits by a sick looking man, the sick looking man was just looking at a bowl of chile and the man could tell he couldn’t eat it. So the man, to tired to order it for himself asks the sick looking man for it. the man grumbles a “yes” and gives it to him. So the tired man starts to eat the bowl chile and after a few minutes begins to feal bad and throws up, right into the bowl. The sick looking man by him says “thats where i stopped”.

This joke was submitted by dogsta.


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IRS

A man (who is very drunk) walks into a bar and yells “alright! i bet every man in here a hundred bucks i could throw this penny up in the air and catch it right between my teeth 10 times in a row. So, everyone wanting to make a buck accepts. So the man dose it nine times perfectly but, on the tenth try it slides between his teeth and falls into his throat. Everybody panics until another man in a hat comes up and beats his stomach, the coin flys right out of his mouth and flys right into the hand of the man with the hat.
After all of the camoution, the crowd ask “who are you, a doctor or something” the hated man smerks and say “IRS”

This joke was submitted by dogsta.


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Obama

They said a black man would be president when pigs fly, well its Obama’s first 100 days in office and boom….Swine flu

This joke was submitted by Terrence Bell.


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Newton – Laws of Love

Universal law:
“Love can neither be created nor be destroyed; only it can transfer from One girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money ”

First law:
” a boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until or unless any external agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play and break the legs of the boy. ”

Second law:
” the rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the bank balance. ”

Third law:
” the force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite to the force applied by the girl while slapping. “


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Culture Problem

A disappointed salesman of Cola company returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, “Why weren’t you successful with the Arabs?”

The salesman explained, “When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there.

But, I had a problem I didn’t know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters…

coca-cola

First poster – A man lying in the hot desert sand…totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster – man is drinking our Cola.
Third poster- Our man is now totally refreshed.

Then these posters were pasted all over the place
“That should have worked,” said the friend.

The salesman replied “I also didn’t realize that Arabs read from right to left”


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