A one-dollar bill met a twenty-dollar bill and said, “Hey, where have you been? I haven’t seen you around here much.”
The twenty answered, “I’ve been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?”
The one dollar bill said, “You know, same old stuff – church, church, church.”
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A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes, size 8. The obviously well trained salesman says, “But sir, you take an 11 or eleven-and-a-half.”
“Just bring me a size eight.”
The sales guy brings them, and the man stuffs his feet into them and stands up in obvious pain.
He turns to the salesman and says, “I’ve lost my house to the I.R.S., I live with my mother-in-law, my daughter ran off with my best friend, my business has filed for bankruptcy, and my son just wouldn’t listen to me. The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night and take my shoes off.”
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A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items.
She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.
“Excuse me,” she said, “I’m in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?”
The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, “Not bad.”
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Two strangers were waiting for the bus and started to talk to each other.
First person: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
Second: It’s a girl. She’s my daughter.
First : Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t know that you were her father.
Second: I’m not. I’m her mother.
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A crew of highway maintenance workers were sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing.
As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one member, of the crew looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway. He turned to a co-worker and said,
“I wonder how long he’s been waiting to cross?”
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A gentleman was lured into a busy florist shop by a large sign in the window that read, “Say It With Flowers.”
“Wrap up one rose,” he told the florist.
“Only one?” the florist asked.
“Just one,” the customer replied. “I’m a man of few words.”
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A women saw a little old man with a big smile on his face, sat rocking in a chair on his porch. She walked up to him and said, “I couldn’t help but notice how happy you look. What’s your secret for a long happy life”?
He said, “I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, I drink a case of whiskey a week, I eat all the fatty foods I can, and never do any exercise”.
The women said, “That’s amazing. How old are you now”?
He replied, “Twenty six”.
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