US Air recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Letters are still pouring in asking, “What trip?”
This joke was submitted by Rolfe.
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Jill tells her husband, “Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can’t you do that?”
“Gosh,” Jack says, “why I hardly know the girl.”
This joke was submitted by Inalen.
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Employer: “In this job we need someone who is responsible.”
Applicant: “I’m the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
This joke was submitted by Yaron.
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An advertisement for an aviation school claimed it could teach anyone to drive an Aircraft in five minutes or less.
I called them up and asked “How can you teach anyone to drive in five minutes or less?”
They answered “It’s a crash course.”
This joke was submitted by Lavi.
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Two men are walking in the woods when suddenly one falls down and appears dead. The other hastily calls 911 and says “Operator you have to help me. my friend fell down and he looks dead!” The operator then says, “Okay, i’m going to need you to remain calm. First check to make sure he’s dead.” the man says “Okay hold on a second.” The operator then hears a gunshot and the man comes back on. “Okay, what now?”
This joke was submitted by Tristan Inman.
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The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They’d have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
“When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
“When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.”
“That’s nothing”, an American replied. “We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.’”
This joke was submitted by Deepi.
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There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.
When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.
This joke was submitted by Reese.
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