Funny Lawyer Jokes - Page 4

Lawyer Questions

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The lawyer asked him, “Did you actually see the accident?”
The witness: “Yes, sir.”

The lawyer: “How far away were you when the accident happened?”
The witness: “Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches.”

The lawyer (thinking he’d trap the witness): “Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?”
The witness: “Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some annoying lawyer would ask me that question.”


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Stupid Lawyer

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beeeemer!!!”, he whined.

“You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!”

“Oh my gaaad….”, replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, “Where’s my Rolex???!!!!!”


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Case Funding Joke

The lawyer’s son wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father’s firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father’s office, and said, “Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you’ve been working on for ten years!”

His father responded: “You idiot, we could live on the funding of that case for another ten years!”


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Lawyer Fees

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
“Can you tell me how much you charge?”, said the client.
“Of course”, the lawyer replied, “I charge $200 to answer three questions!”
“Well that’s a bit steep, isn’t it?”
“Yes it is”, said the lawyer, “And what’s your third question?”


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Legal Consultation Service

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, “Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?” The lawyer replied, “Of course, how much was the roast?” “$7.98.”

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150 .


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Pity for the Husband

The local courtroom was packed as testimony began in the sentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her husband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee.

The defense attorney knew he had his work cut out for him trying to make his client appear more sympathetic to the Judge, especially since she had been so “matter-of-fact” about the whole thing all during the trial.

“Mrs. Roth,” he began, “was there any point that morning where you felt pity for your husband ?”

“Well… yeah… I guess…” she replied.

“And when was that?” pressed the attorney.

“Well…,” she replied, “when he asked for his third cup.”


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Fair Settlement

After a lengthy conference with the estranged husband, the lawyer reported to his client. “Mrs. LaMay, I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you.”

“Fair to both ?!?!?!” exploded Mrs. LaMay. “I could have done that myself. What the hell do you think I hired a lawyer for ?”


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