“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.
“Yes, Sir.” the employee replied.
“Well, then, that makes everything just fine,” the boss went on. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you.”
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If a train station is where the train stops and a bus station is where the bus stops, what is a work station?
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A worker who was being paid by the week approached his employer and held up his last paycheck. “This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on,” he said.
“I know,” the employer said. “But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained.”
“Well, I don’t mind an occasional mistake,” the worker answered, “but when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention.”
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A big company offered $50 for each money-saving idea submitted by its employees. First prize went to the employee who suggested the award be cut to $25.
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If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
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When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.
When I don’t do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn’t do it, he is too busy.
When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.
When I please my boss, I am ass-kissing.
When my boss pleases his boss, he is co-operating.
When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.
When I make a mistake, I am an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.
When I am out of the office, I am wandering around.
When my boss is out of the office, he’s on business.
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* Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
* If it’s really a “rush job,” run in and interrupt me every ten minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps.
*Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
* If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors is good training.
*If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.
*Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.
*If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret.
*If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.
*If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.
*Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life.
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