Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage: It’s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree
and a woman gains her masters.

Divorce: Future tense of Marriage.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through “the minds of either”

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest….except that he got caught.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your
Confidence after.

Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead

“USA Today has come out with a new survey ….. Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.”

Technology is simply a means of manipulating the world so you don’t have to experience it.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

I don’t mind going nowhere as long as it’s an interesting path.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

The real reason you can’t take it with you is that it goes before you do.

A person who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.

A modern pioneer is a person who can get through a rainy Saturday when the television’s on the blink.

The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.

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“Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don’t have to give her back to her parents.”

You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

Q. How do you repair a broken tomato?

A. Tomato Paste!

Q. Why did the baby strawberry cry?

A. Because his parents were in a jam!

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A boy asks his father to use the car and the father replies “No, not until you cut your hair!”. The boy replies “But father…Jesus had long hair!” to which his father says, “Yeah, but Jesus walked everywhere.”