I hate most track athletes
But sprinters really get my goat
The fastest men on earth they claim
As they strut and preen and gloat
Running very fast in a straight line
Small beer for such a big ego
And they excel for less than ten seconds
Duration unimpressive to my wife I know
On they African plains they’d fail to impress
I can say that without being rude
In the eyes of a hunting lioness
They would be little more than fast food
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In Norwich at my local pub I sat
After a pint and a couple of gins
And contemplated relationships
With my mucker’s for their sins
“I’m divorcing my sweetheart
And soul mate” I tell my friends
“There will be no animosity” I add
“And we will always stay cousins”
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His house caught fire he called for aid
Please someone call the fire brigade
As the poor man stood on his wooden legs
The brigade arrive “save my home” he begs
To save the burning house they sought
As against the fire they bravely fought
To urge them on was his desire
But he got to close and his legs caught fire
They saved the house and looked around
To see the man burned to the ground
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A man was walking one night
Down a lane without a light
Thinking that he heard a sound
The man then turned around
Someone jumped him suddenly
And assaulted him violently
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He started life as a tadpole
in a lake which glowed and stank
Waste was dumped from factories
into the water that he drank
It changed his transformation
and broke all natural laws
Instead of webbed reptilian feet
he grew big jagged claws
His eyes could see great detail
and could switch to infrared
His teeth as sharp as razorblades
protruded from his head
He developed a powerful intellect
which urged him to conquer the world
He probably would have if certain events
hadnt come to be and unfurled
On the night he hopped from his toxic lake
and started to cross the road
He was killed by a car whose driver
was playing a game called squish the toad
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