Little Johnny and Salesman

A salesman telephoned a household, and Little Johnny answered. Salesman: “May I speak to your mother?”
Little Johnny: “She’s not here right now.”
Salesman: “Well, is anyone else there?”
Little Johnny: “My sister.”
Salesman: “O.K., fine. May I speak to her?”
Little Johnny: “I guess so.”
At this point there was a very long silence on the phone.
Then:
Little Johnny: “Hello?”
Salesman: “It’s you. I thought you were going to call your sister.”
Little Johnny: “I tried. But I can’t get her out of the playpen.”

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An Ordinary Citizen

A priest who was walking through a small town saw a blackboard outside the front door of a school. It had been washed and put out to dry in the open air. There was a piece of chalk at the foot of the blackboard.

The priest took the chalk and wrote in large letters, “I’m a priest and I pray for you all.”

A lawyer happened to pass next and when he saw what the priest had written, he added under it, “I’m a lawyer and I defend you all.”

Then, a doctor came by, took the piece of chalk, and wrote on the blackboard, “I’m a doctor and I cure you all.”

Finally, an ordinary citizen stopped, looked at what the others had written, thought for a few seconds and then added, “I am an ordinary citizen and I pay for you all.”

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Little Johnny and Little Samantha

Little Johnny and Little Samantha were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store.

“Have you ever seen one of these before?” asked Little Samantha

“Yeah, my mom has one,” Little Johnny replied

Little Samantha – “What’s it for?”

Little Johnny “It’s a cursing machine, Every time my mom stands on it she gets really upset, and curses.”

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American in England

An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator.

The portiere looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted.

“You must mean the lift,” he said.

“No,” the American responded. “If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator.”

“Well,” the portiere answered, “over here we call them lifts”.

“Now you listen”, the American said rather irritated, “someone in America invented the elevator.”

“Oh, right you are sir,” the portiere said in a polite tone, “but someone here in England invented the language.”

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Advantage of Opportunity

A man driving in Southern Indiana, heading for Kentucky, saw a sign that read: “LAST CHANCE FOR $1.55 GAS!!!”

He still had more than a quarter of a tank left, but figured he’d better take advantage of this opportunity to fill-up his tank cheap.

As he was getting his change from the attendant, he asked, “So, how much is gas in Kentucky?”

The man replied, “$1.25.”

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Blonde Trying New Dress

Blonde 1: That dress is too tight for you. It’s skintight!

Blonde 2: It’s tighter than my skin.

Blonde 1: How could anything be tighter than your skin?

Blonde 2: I can sit down in my skin, but I can’t in this dress.

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How much is a ticket?

I wanted to take my kids to the movies but did not want to wait on line to buy the tickets, so I called ahead to the theater to buy them over the phone.

I asked, “How much is a ticket?”

They said, “Ten dollars.”

I asked, “How much for children?”

They said, “Same price, Ten dollars.”

I said, “The airlines charge half fare for children.”

They said, “OK, put your kids on a plane to somewhere, and you come to the movie. You’ll enjoy it a lot more that way.”

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