Funny Junk

There was a lawyer and a dumb blonde on a hill, the lawyer says to the blonde “I’ll ask you a question and if you get it wrong you owe me five dollars, but if you ask me a question and I get it wrong I owe you five hundred dollars.
So he asks what’s 2+2?
She didn’t know so she gives him five dollars.
Then she asks the lawyer what goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down with 2? He opens his laptop and searches for 4 hours, then he gives up and pays her 500 dollars.
Then he asks her what was it? She hands him 5 dollars. Thats what is called a smart blonde

This joke was submitted by Madisen.

I’m writing you this new love letter
and then I’ll post it to your door
So you can understand my love much better
and see you’re the one that I adore

I’ve had plenty time to think and dream
as I watched you from my car
As the restraining order says, you see
I should stay at least fifty feet far

And when I call at 4 AM
you never pick up the phone
I call because I know that you
are all alone at home

How much I love, you’ll never know
I know your blood type and ID number
And with a smiling face pressed against you window
I watch you as you slumber

You’d love the shrine I made of you
I keep it with great care
And your doll I made will look like new
with a couple more strands of your hair

I smile when I think of last Valentine’s Day,
and that look upon your face
Before you screamed and ran away
and sprayed my face with mace

I know one day we’ll marry at last
yet until that magical time
The question, for the fifteenth time, I ask
Will you be my Valentine?

This joke was submitted by Dudle.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not.
———————————————–
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head.
———————————————–
Can you sing? Not a thing!
Can you dance? Not a chance!
Can you play? Me, no way!
Can you eat and drink? All day!
———————————————–
Tilly the fat cat
Loves a tasty mouse.
But when she sees a rat
She runs back into the house.
———————————————–
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.
———————————————–
Emily went to the zoo
And she saw a kangaroo.
“Look, a pocket on her tummy!
Can’t you get one for me, mommy?”
———————————————–
I love your smile, your face and your eyes
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
‘We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting. In a chair .. . . Kill her!!’

The man said, ‘You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.’

The agent said, ‘Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.’

The second man was given the same instructions.He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, ‘I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.’ The agent said, ‘You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.’

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

‘This gun is loaded with blanks’ she said. ‘I had to beat him to death with the chair.