Customer and Waiter
Customer: I am sorry waiter, but I only have enough money for the bill. I don’t have anything left for a tip.
Waiter: That’s all right, mister. Let me just add up that bill again.
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Clean Jokes
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Barn on Fire
One day an old person drove to his best friend’s barn farm and noticed his barn was on fire.
“Your barn’s burning down,” he yelled.
“I know it,” said the other old person , “I’m sittin’ here prayin’ for rain.”
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Medical Alert Bracelets
Little Johnny was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets. Someone asked him what the bracelet was for.
Little Johnnyreplied, “I’m allergic to nuts and eggs.”
The person asked, “Are you allergic to cats?”
Little Johnny said, “I don’t know….. I don’t eat cats.”
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Actor’s Marriage
An aspiring young actor asked a young lady’s father if he could have his daughter’s hand in marriage. The father said: “I would never let my daughter marry an actor.”
The actor said: “Sir, I think you may change your mind if you see me perform. Won’t you at least come and see the play?”
So, the father went to see the play, and the next day he called the actor: “You were right. I did change my mind. Go ahead and marry my daughter. You’re no actor.”
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Deceived
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, “Read all about it. Fifty people deceived! Fifty people deceived!”
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, “There’s nothing in here about fifty people being deceived.”
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, “Read all about it. Fifty-one people deceived!”
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Glaciers Brought Rocks
A blonde on her first visit to Yellowstone National Park said to her guide, “Look at all those big rocks. Wherever did they come from?”
“The glaciers brought them down,” said the guide.
“But where are the glaciers?”
“The glaciers,” said the guide in a frustrated tone, “have gone back for more rocks.”
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Guardian Angel
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, “If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.”
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted, “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.”
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
The man asked. “Who are you?”
“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.
“Oh, yeah?” the man exclaimed “And where the hell were you when I got married?”
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