Clean Jokes

First Time In Bar

A Lady visited A Bar for the First Time, She Sat on the Table in Front of the Bar Tender..

A Guy at Her Left ordered: “Jack Daniels, Single”

A Guy at Her Right ordered: “Johnny Walker, Single”

The Bar Tender Looked at the Lady & said: And You..??

Lady replied: “Monika Deshpande, Married..!!”


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Still Celebrating

Husband takes the wife to a disco.
There’s a guy on the dance floor living it large – break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says: “See that guy?
25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”
Husband says: “Looks like he’s still celebrating!!!


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Doctor and Woman

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . .
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Doctor: “What happened?”
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Woman:” Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp….”
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Doctor:”I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it…. Just gargle and gargle”.
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. .
2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.
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. Woman:” Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me.
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Doctor: “You see how keeping your mouth shut helps.!


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Height of Attitude

A cockroach’s last words to a man who is about to kill him:
“Go ahead and kill me, You coward!
You are jealous of me because your wife is afraid of me and NOT AFRAID OF YOU !


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Clever Little Johnny

Little Johnny goes to the manager at convenience store and asked, “Is this store open all day, seven days a week, 365 days a year?”

“Yes,” the manager answered, puzzled at the question.

“Well, then,” he continued as he walked out, “why are there locks on the doors?”


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What Are You Watching?

A Man Was Watching A Movie At Home And Suddenly Shouts “Nooooooooooooo!” Don’t!!!!!!
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Get Off The Horse!
Its A Trap!!
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Wife: What Are You Watching?

Man: Our Wedding DVD….


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Girl In Electronic Shop

One girl went to a electronic shop in anger and threw her new laptop on the desk at a person from
whom she bought.

She told the salesman that you have… cheated me. I cannot transfer file from my previous laptop..
Salesman : Madam, can you please try infront of me.
This is what She did,

1) Right clicked the mouse on the file which she wanted to transfer and selected CUT option.
2) Disconnected the mouse from that PC.
3) Took that mouse carefully and connected it to the other PC where she wanted to copy that file.
4) Right clicked the mouse and selected the PASTE option.

Salesman fainted….


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Daring Husband

A famous inspirational speaker said:

“Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn’t my wife.”

Audience was in shock and silence.

He added: “She was my mother”

(A big round of plause & laughter)

A very daring husband tried to crack this at home.

After dinner, he said loudly to his wife in the kitchen:
“Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn’t my wife”

Standing for a moment, trying to recall the second line of that speaker.
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By the time he gained his senses, he was on a hospital bed, recovering from burns of boiling water!
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Moral: Don’t Copy, if you can’t Paste


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Immune to Cold

Only 3 living beings are immune to cold:

1. Penguins
2. Polar bears
3. Females wearing sleeveless and backless dresses in marriages..


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Bought a Ferrari

Lady: Do you smoke?

Man: Yes

Lady: How many packs a day?

Man: 3 packs

Lady: How much per pack

Man: $10.00

Lady: And how long have you been smoking?

Man: 15 years

Lady: So 1 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn’t smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you smoke?

Lady: No

Man: Where’s your Ferrari then? 😛


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Murphy’s Laws of Offices

1. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

2. Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced,you can’t be promoted.

3. Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in and say nothing about the other.

4. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

5. There is never enough time to do it right the first time but there is always enough time to do it over.


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Expensive Tear

There is nothing more expensive than a female
tear…..
.
.
.

When a single drop comes out,it first mixes with “loreal”
eyeliner and “Dior” mascara 😉
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then when it comes down to cheek….
it mixes with D&G blusher 🙂
. .
and in case it touches the lips,,
it gets mixed with “Maybelline” lipstick
this means that a single drop is worth atleast $50 😀


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Chemistry Rocks

Teacher : What happens when CarbOn MOnOxide reacts with 2 MOlecules Of IrOn??

Student : COFFEE !!

Teacher : HOW ??

Student : CO + 2Fe = COFFEE !!

Teacher Shocked Student Rocks !!


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Girl and Boss

Girl Came Angrily Out Of Boss’s Cabin

A Friend Asked- Why are you so sad?

Girl- He Asked Me are you Free Tonight?

I Said Absolutely Free Sir…

That idiot Gave 60 Pages To Type! 🙁


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Little Johnny At Convenience Store

Little Johnny goes to the manager at convenience store and asked, “Is this store open all day, seven days a week, 365 days a year?”

“Yes,” the manager answered, puzzled at the question.

“Well, then,” he continued as he walked out, “why are there locks on the doors?”


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Cheating with us

Distance between California – San Jose= 68 km
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Distance between San Jose – California = 68 km
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Ground Floor to 15thFloor = 15 floors
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15th Floor to Ground Floor = 15 floors
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Monday to Friday = 5 days
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Friday to Monday = 2 days
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THIS IS CHEATING!!!!!!


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Expensive Study

A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him £10 and that continues for a year. Suddenly the daily donation changes to £7. 50.

“Well,” the beggar thinks, “it’s still better than nothing.”

A year passes in this way until the man’s daily donation suddenly becomes £5.

“What’s going on now?” the beggar asks his donor. “First you give me £10 every day, then £7.50 and now only £5. What’s the problem?”

“Well,” the man says, “last year my eldest son went to university. It’s very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further.”

“And how many children do you have?” the beggar asks.

“Four,” the man replies.

“Well,” says the beggar, “I hope you don’t plan to educate them all at my expense.”


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Mechanic vs Officer

A mechanic called one of his customers, a bank officer after a check bounced. “The check you sent me to pay your bill has bounced!” He yelled!

The officer replied,”well, so did all my car problems that you fixed!”


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Two Rednecks Talking

Two rednecks were sitting next to each other. One says to the other, “I have such a big farm I could climb in my truck, and it would take me two days to get across the whole farm!”

The other redneck turns back to him and replies, “My kid also used to have a truck like that!”


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Hard to Find

Mr. Anderson: I am very lucky. When I talk with my wife, she always bows her head.

Mr. Smith: That’s great man, wives like that are hard to find.

Mr. Anderson: Not really, she bows because she is taller than me.


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