A guy spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn’t back off he asked her name.
“Carmen,” she replied.
That’s a nice name,” he said warming up the conversation. “Who named you, your mother?”
“No, I named myself, she answered.
“Oh, that’s interesting. Why Carmen?”
“Because I like cars, and I like men,” she said looking directly into his eyes. “So what’s your name?” she asked.
“Beergirls.”
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WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of pregnancy in the world. Proceed with caution.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy..
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
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A drunk walks into a bar, sits down and demands a drink.
“Get out” says the bartender. “I don’t serve drunks here”.
The drunk staggers out the front door, only to come back in through the side door. He sits at the bar, bangs his fist and demands a drink.
“I just told you to get out, didn’t I? Now LEAVE!”.
The drunk gets off his stool, stumbles out the side door and, comes back inside through the back door. Once again, he sits at the bar and loudly asks for a drink.
The bartender, now glowing mad, looks at the drunk and yells “I TOLD YOU, NO DRUNKS ALLOWED, NOW GET OUT!!!”.
The drunk looks up at the bartender and slurs “How many bars do you work at, anyway?”.
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A drunk on his way home from a bar one night realizes that he has dropped his keys. He gets down on his hands and knees and starts groping around beneath a lamppost. A policeman asks what he’s doing.
“I lost my keys in the park,” says the drunk.
“Then why are you looking for them under the lamppost?” asks the puzzled cop.
“Because,” says the drunk, “that’s where the light is.”
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One day a drunk walked into a bar and ordered a gin and tonic. He drank half of it and poured the rest on the bartender.
The bartender got angry, grabbed the drunk by the collar, pulled him close to his face, and asked, “Why did you do that?”
The drunk said very apologetically, “I am so very sorry sir. Please forgive me. I can’t help it. It’s an illness I can’t get rid of. I am so ashamed of it. How can I make it up to you?”
The bartender answered, “Haven’t you seen anyone about this problem?” The drunk replied, “I never thought of that. Maybe I will.”
The bartender said, “Don’t come back until you do get help,” and the drunk left.
About three months later the drunk came back to the same bar, ordered another gin and tonic, drank half of it, and poured the rest of it on the bartender. The bartender shouted, “I thought I told you not to come back until you got help!”
The drunk replied, “I did. Now I don’t feel ashamed.”
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A police officer pulls over this guy who’s been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy’s window and says, “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.
“The man says, “Sorry, officer, I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”
“Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”
“I can’t do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.”
“Well, then, we need a urine sample.”
“I’m sorry, officer, I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I’ll get really low blood sugar.”
“All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”
“I can’t do that, officer.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m drunk.”
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Two drunk men were out bird-hunting.
Suddenly, one of them said,”Hey! I see two birds!”
“Well, shoot then,”said the other man.
“But which one do I shoot?”
“Hmm…take another drink,”the other man said, handing him the bottle.
“Hey! Now I see three!”exclaimed the man.
“Good. Shoot the one in the middle.”
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