Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat
in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in
when the Arab in the window seat said, “I think I’ll go up and get a coke.”
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A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
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Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, “This is Sister Margaret. There’s been a terrible mistake!” She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said that he’d get right on it.
The next day the nun didn’t hear from Saint Peter so she called him again. “Please set this error straight before tomorrow,” she begged. “There’s an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone ‘must’ attend!”
“Of course, sister,” he said. “I’ll get you out of there right away.”
Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning Saint Peter received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver with tribulations in his heart and started to listen.
She said, “Hey, Pete! This is Maggie. Never mind!”
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
PLATO: For the greater good.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
JACK NICHOLSON: ’cause it f…..g wanted to. That’s the f…..g reason.
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
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A Rabbi and a Priest get into a car accident and it’s a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither cleric is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the Rabbi sees the Priest’s collar and says, “So you’re a Priest, that’s interesting. I’m a
Rabbi… Wow! Just look at our cars. There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.”
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Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, “When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese.”
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1. A Mink: to provide a beautiful coat
2. A Jaguar: to reside in her garage
3. A Tiger: to keep her happy in the bedroom
4. A Jackass: to pay for all the above
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