Funny Marriage Jokes - Page 4

High School Reunion

My wife and I were at my high school reunion. As I looked around, I noticed the other men in their expensive suits…and their bulging stomachs. Proud of the fact that I weighed just five pounds more than I did when I was in high school, the result of trying to beat a living out of a rocky hillside farm, I said to my wife, “I’m the only guy here who can still wear the suit he wore when he graduated.”

She glanced at the well-dressed crowd, then back at me, and said, “You’re the only one who has to.”


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Under The table

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, “Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.”

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, “No he didn’t. He just walked in the door.”


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Why do we all marry?

Why do we all marry?

Because romance is not the only element of life.

We should also know horror, terror, suspense, irony, stupidity & tragedy of LIFE.


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Golden Rule To Be Happy

Golden Rule:-

To be happy with a man, love him little and understand him a lot.

To be happy with a woman, love her a LOT and DO NOT TRY to understand her.


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Importance of Hell and Heaven

Question: If marriages are made in heaven, than what are made in Hell?
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Answer: The days after marriage!


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Not Allowed

Why Government do NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women.

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Because per Constitution, you can NOT BE PUNISHED TWICE for the same Mistake.


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Importance of Marriage Certificate

Man at medical store:I need poison
Chemist: I can’t sell you that

Man shows his marriage certificate
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Chemist: Oh! sorry,
I didn’t knew u had a prescription.


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When a man holds a woman hands?

When a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage-
It is love

When a man holds a woman’s hand after marriage-
It is self-defense


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Long Life

Man : Is there any way for long life?
Doctor : Get married.

Man : Will it help?
Doctor : No, but the thought of long life will never come.


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Last chance to run away

Q: During Indian Marriage ceremony why is the bridegroom made to sit on the horse?
A: He is given his last chance to run away…!!


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Diamond is Forever

A man walks into a jewelry store to buy his girlfriend an engagement ring. Looking behind the glass case, he comes across an exquisite band with a handsome-sized rock in its center.

“Excuse me sir,” the gentleman says to the salesman. “How much is this ring?”

“Ah, that’s a beautiful piece,” the salesman replies. “It goes for $10,000.”

“My God!” the man exclaimed. “That’s a lot of money!”

“Yes, but a diamond is forever.”

“Perhaps,” the gentleman replied, “but my marriage won’t last that long!”


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Study Helps In Marriage

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. “Oh, we’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship,” the wife explained. “He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I’m listening.”


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Marriage Problems

A man and woman are having marriage problems, and decide to end their union after a very short time together.

After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple goes to court to finalize their break-up.

The judge asks the husband, “What has brought you to the point that you are now at, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?”

The husband says, “In the six weeks we’ve been together, we haven’t been able to agree on one thing.”

The wife says, “Seven weeks.”.


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Future Weddings

Soon Weddings will be like this..

Priest: Do you agree to change your FACEBOOK status from *single* to *married*??

Boy: Yes! Yes! Yes!

Girl: Yes! Yes! Yes!

Priest: Congrats.. You are now husband and wife..


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You Are Warm

Jimmy was talking to his wife, Katherine, and he said, “Be honest, now, baby. How am I as a lover?”

To which she replied, “Honey, I would definitely say that you’re warm.”

“Really?” he said excitedly.

“Yes, in fact I would say that you’re the dictionary definition of the word “warm”.”

John was pleased until he went home and, just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, “WARM: Not so hot.”


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Silent Killer

Lawyer: Now, would you please tell the Jury the truth. Why did you shoot your husband with a bow and arrow?

Wife: I didn’t want to wake up the children.


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Scottish Husband

A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. “Wonderful,” says the mother, “What part is it?” The boy says “I play the part of the Scottish husband!” The mother scowls and says: “Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part.”


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How Time Changes Things After Marriage

After Marriage Boys First 6 weeks, than 6 months, than 6 years

Dating process:
6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn’t love U, then why the hell did I propose?

Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I’m home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??

Gifts:

6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room.
6 years : Here’s the money. Buy yourself something.

Phone Ringing:
6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.

Cooking:
6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!

Apology:
6 weeks : Honey muffin, don’t you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 months : Watch out! Don’t do it again.
6 years : What’s not to understand about what I just said??

New Dress:
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?

Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
6 months : What’s so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?
6 years : Travel? What’s so bad about staying home???

TV:
6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I’m going to watch ESPN, if you’re not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself.


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Before And After Marriage

Before marriage…..

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don’t even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I’m not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!

After marriage….
Simply read from bottom to top.


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