Sign in restaurant window: “Eat now – Pay waiter.”

Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you.

If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?

A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Birthday cake is the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody rushes to get a piece.

It’s called “fast” food because you’re supposed to eat it really fast. Otherwide, you might actually taste it.

WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on

TIRE: Male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick up people.

HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

HAMMER: Male, because it hasn’t evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.

HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it… and, of course, there’s the hot air part.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

REMOTE CONTROL: Female..gives man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

This joke was submitted by Ada.

Grooms, once you marry, please remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always try to get the last two words in: “Yes dear”

This joke was submitted by Deepi.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply

I’m just driving this way to get you mad.

Keep honking, I’m reloading.

Hang up and drive.

Guns don’t kill people, postal workers do.

Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen

This joke was submitted by Joker.