Golden Rule To Be Happy
Golden Rule:-
To be happy with a man, love him little and understand him a lot.
To be happy with a woman, love her a LOT and DO NOT TRY to understand her.
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Funny One Liners - Page 4
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Funny One Liners By Joker
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply
I’m just driving this way to get you mad.
Keep honking, I’m reloading.
Hang up and drive.
Guns don’t kill people, postal workers do.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen
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The Ecominc Crisis
Here are the redefined definitions after the world economy slumped due to global recession. 🙂
1. CEO – Chief Embezzlement Officer.
2. CFO – Corporate Fraud Officer.
3. BULL MARKET – A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
4. STOCK ANALYST – Stupid who just downgraded your stock.
5. PROFIT — A historic word no longer in use.
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Amazing Facts
1. People who ride on roller coasters have a higher chance of having a blood clot in the brain.
2. Black bears are not always black they can be brown, cinnamon, yellow and sometimes white.
3. People with blue eyes see better in dark.
4. Each year 30,000 people are seriously injured by exercise equipment.
5.The placement of a donkey’s eyes in its head enables it to see all four feet.
6. The sun is 330330 times larger than the earth.
7. The cow gives nearly 200000 glass of milk in her lifetime.
8. There are more female than male millionaires in the U.S.A.
9. Nearly 22,000 cheque’s will be deducted from the wrong account over the next hour.
10. When a person dies, hearing is usually the first sense to go.
11. Bill gates house was designed using Macintosh computer.
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Six Whacky Definitions
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.
School:A place where Papa pays and Son plays.
Life Insurance:A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise after death
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Brilliant Doubts – Unanswered
1.If all the nations in the world are in debt(am not joking. even US has got debts), where did all the money go?
2.When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
3.If the ‘black box’ flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
4.Why do people say, ‘you’ve been working like a dog’ when dogs just sit around all day?
5.Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?
6.Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep?
7.What came first, the fruit or the color orange?
8.If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
9.Why is it called a ‘building’ when it is already built?
10.Why is it called a TV set when theres only one?
11.If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
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Some More One Liners
Where there’s a will, there are five hundred relatives.
They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
Experience is what a comb gives you after you lose your hair.
Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.
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Office Riddle
If a train station is where the train stops and a bus station is where the bus stops, what is a work station?
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Five Office One Liners
A big company offered $50 for each money-saving idea submitted by its employees. First prize went to the employee who suggested the award be cut to $25.
The Pope has the best job in the world: he has one boss only, and even him he meets after his death.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before. Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing.
The reward for a job well done is more work.
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Professional One Liners
I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.
From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Anyone who believes you can’t change history has never tried to write his memoirs.
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
Copying an idea from an author is plagiarism. Copying many ideas from many authors is research.
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.
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The Dictionary
The Dictionary: what hi-tech salespeople say and what they mean by it
New: Different color from previous design.
All new: Parts not interchangable with previous design.
Unmatched: Almost as good as the competition.
Designed simplicity: Manufacturer’s cost cut to the bone.
Foolproof operation: No provision for adjustments.
Advanced design: The advertising agency doesn’t understand it.
Field-tested: Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
High accuracy: Unit on which all parts fit.
Direct sales only: Factory had big argument with distributor.
Years of development: We finally got one that works.
Revolutionary: It’s different from our competitors.
Breakthrough: We finally figured out a way to sell it.
Improved: Didn’t work the first time.
Futuristic: No other reason why it looks the way it does.
Distinctive: A different shape and color than the others.
Re-designed: Previous faults corrected, we hope.
Hand-crafted: Assembly machines operated without gloves on.
Performance proven: Will operate through the warranty period.
Meets all standards: Ours, not yours.
Broadcast quality: Gives a picture and produces noise.
High reliability: We made it work long enough to ship it.
SMPTE bus compatible: When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound.
New generation: Old design failed, maybe this one will work.
MIL-SPEC components: We got a good deal at a government auction.
Customer service across the country: You can return it from most airports.
Unprecedented performance: Nothing we ever had before worked this way.
Built to precision tolerances: We finally got it to fit together.
Microprocessor controlled: Does things we can’t explain.
Latest aerospace technology: One of our techs was laid off by Boeing.
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Funny Lawyer One Liners
1) What’s wrong with Lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and nobody else thinks they’re jokes.
2) When asked, “What is a contingent fee?” a lawyer answered, “A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don’t win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win it, you get nothing.”
3) A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of lawyers. They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren’t met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
4) A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
5) What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A boxing referee doesn’t get paid more for a longer fight.
6) Arguing with a lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig: after a while you realize that the pig actually enjoys it.
7) There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge.
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Some Funny Liners To Laugh!!
Living on Earth may be expensive,but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
God made relatives…Thank God we can choose our friends
Love is photogenic…It needs darkness to develop
A good discussion is like a miniskirt…Short enough to pertain interest and long enough to cover the subject!
Children in backseats cause accidents…Accidents in backseats cause children !
A drunk was hauled into court.”Mister,” the judge began, you’ve been brought herefor drinking.”
“Great,” the drunk exclaimed. “When do we get started?”
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Funny English
“Hey, u guys, please keep quiet. The president is rotating outside”
“Donot smoke and spoil the botany of ur body”
” Open the windows, open the windows, let the climate come in ”
” Why are you naat filupping the blanks ? ”
Advice to father thinking about whether he should let his daughter
continue her studies or get her married :
” Vell, if you wantu study her, then study her. If you wantu marry
her, then marry her .”
Prof to students hanging around the corridors during exams :
” Do not revolve in the corridors in front of the examinations ”
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Funny Car Bumper Stickers
Missing dog and wife. Reward for dog.
The kids drive me crazy. I drive them everywhere.
Drive carefully! Remember, it’s not only a car that can be recalled by it’s maker.
Even though this is a stupid bumper sticker, you’re squinting to read it.
Car service: If it ain’t broke, we’ll break it.
There are two kinds of pedestrians – the quick and the dead.
They couldn’t repair my brakes, so they made my horn louder.
Your so boring, if you threw a boomerang, it wouldn’t come back to you.
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Funny Pilot One Liners
Q: What is the ideal cockpit crew?
A: A pilot and a dog…the pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.
Q: How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.
Q: How do you know if a pilot is at your party?
A: He’ll tell you.
Q: How do you know when you are half way through a date with a pilot?
A: Because he says: “Thats enough about flying, let’s talk about me”!
Q: What’s the purpose of the propeller?
A: To keep the pilot cool. If you don’t think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!
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Funny State Slogans
Alabama:
Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska:
11,623 Eskimos Can’t Be Wrong!
Arizona:
But It’s a Dry Heat
Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain’t Everthing
California:
By 30 Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado:
If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother
Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedies Don’t Own It Yet.
Delaware:
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia:
We Put The “Fun” In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho:
More Than Just Potatoes…
Well Okay, We’re Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois:
Please Don’t Pronounce the “S”
Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa:
We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas:
First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky:
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana:
We’re Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That’s Our Tourism Campaign
Maine:
We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland:
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan:
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
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Funny Blonde – One Liners
Q: What do you call a blonde in an institute for higher learning?
A: A visitor.
Q: What do you call an eternity?
A: Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.
Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said “Disneyland “Left”, so they turned around and went home.
Q: What do SMART Blondes and UFO’s have in common?
A: You always hear about them but never see them.
Q: What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
A: Oh look, Daddy…Doughnut seeds.
Q: Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said concentrate.
Q: Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
A: They think their picture is being taken.
Q: How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax?
A: It has a stamp on it.
Q: Why can’t Blondes dial 911?
A: They can’t find the 11 on the phone!
Q: What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run, she’s got a grenade in her mouth!
Q: How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer?
A: There is white-out all over the monitor.
Q: Why shouldn’t Blondes have coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said, “Oh look at the dead bird.” The Blonde looked skyward and said, “Where, where?”
Q: How do you drown a Blonde?
A: Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
Q: Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head.
Q: How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde’s eye?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Q: Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
A: It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
Q: What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?
A: They drowned in Spring Training.
Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A: “Look! They spelled MACY’S wrong!”
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her joke on Wednesday.
Q: What’s a blonde and a postage stamp got in common.
A: Lick Em, Stick Em, Send Em
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been on the computer?
A: There is tipex on the screen.
Q: How can you tell if she has been on again?
A: She has left cheese for the mouse.
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Truly Funny Quotes
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.
2.. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
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