Funny One Liners - Page 6

Professional One Liners

I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Anyone who believes you can’t change history has never tried to write his memoirs.

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

Copying an idea from an author is plagiarism. Copying many ideas from many authors is research.

A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.


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The Dictionary

The Dictionary: what hi-tech salespeople say and what they mean by it

New: Different color from previous design.

All new: Parts not interchangable with previous design.

Unmatched: Almost as good as the competition.

Designed simplicity: Manufacturer’s cost cut to the bone.

Foolproof operation: No provision for adjustments.

Advanced design: The advertising agency doesn’t understand it.

Field-tested: Manufacturer lacks test equipment.

High accuracy: Unit on which all parts fit.

Direct sales only: Factory had big argument with distributor.

Years of development: We finally got one that works.

Revolutionary: It’s different from our competitors.

Breakthrough: We finally figured out a way to sell it.

Improved: Didn’t work the first time.

Futuristic: No other reason why it looks the way it does.

Distinctive: A different shape and color than the others.

Re-designed: Previous faults corrected, we hope.

Hand-crafted: Assembly machines operated without gloves on.

Performance proven: Will operate through the warranty period.

Meets all standards: Ours, not yours.

Broadcast quality: Gives a picture and produces noise.

High reliability: We made it work long enough to ship it.

SMPTE bus compatible: When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound.

New generation: Old design failed, maybe this one will work.

MIL-SPEC components: We got a good deal at a government auction.

Customer service across the country: You can return it from most airports.

Unprecedented performance: Nothing we ever had before worked this way.

Built to precision tolerances: We finally got it to fit together.

Microprocessor controlled: Does things we can’t explain.

Latest aerospace technology: One of our techs was laid off by Boeing.


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Salesman One Liner

How can you tell when a salesperson is lying?
His lips are moving.


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Funny Lawyer One Liners

1) What’s wrong with Lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and nobody else thinks they’re jokes.

2) When asked, “What is a contingent fee?” a lawyer answered, “A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don’t win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win it, you get nothing.”

3) A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of lawyers. They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren’t met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

4) A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.

5) What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A boxing referee doesn’t get paid more for a longer fight.

6) Arguing with a lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig: after a while you realize that the pig actually enjoys it.

7) There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge.


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Some Funny Liners To Laugh!!

Living on Earth may be expensive,but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.

God made relatives…Thank God we can choose our friends

Love is photogenic…It needs darkness to develop

A good discussion is like a miniskirt…Short enough to pertain interest and long enough to cover the subject!

Children in backseats cause accidents…Accidents in backseats cause children !

A drunk was hauled into court.”Mister,” the judge began, you’ve been brought herefor drinking.”
“Great,” the drunk exclaimed. “When do we get started?”


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Funny English

“Hey, u guys, please keep quiet. The president is rotating outside”

“Donot smoke and spoil the botany of ur body”

” Open the windows, open the windows, let the climate come in ”

” Why are you naat filupping the blanks ? ”

Advice to father thinking about whether he should let his daughter
continue her studies or get her married :
” Vell, if you wantu study her, then study her. If you wantu marry
her, then marry her .”

Prof to students hanging around the corridors during exams :
” Do not revolve in the corridors in front of the examinations ”

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Funny Car Bumper Stickers

Missing dog and wife. Reward for dog.

The kids drive me crazy. I drive them everywhere.

Drive carefully! Remember, it’s not only a car that can be recalled by it’s maker.

Even though this is a stupid bumper sticker, you’re squinting to read it.

Car service: If it ain’t broke, we’ll break it.

There are two kinds of pedestrians – the quick and the dead.

They couldn’t repair my brakes, so they made my horn louder.

Your so boring, if you threw a boomerang, it wouldn’t come back to you.


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