Funny Phrases

Mother of Famous People

“I don’t care what you’ve discovered,
you still could have written!”

“All right, if you aren’t hiding your report card
inside your jacket, take your hand out of
there and show me.”

“Again with the stovepipe hat? Can’t you just
wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”

“I’m not upset that your lamb followed you to school,
but I would like to know how he got a
better grade than you.”

“Can’t you paint on walls like other children?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to
get that stuff off the ceiling?”

“The next time I catch you throwing money across
the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!”

“I don’t care where you think you have to go,
young man, midnight is past your curfew.”

“But it’s your senior picture.
Can’t you do something about your hair?
OY! Styling gel, mousse, something… ?”

“Of course I’m proud that you invented the
electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!”

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Very Famous Quote

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women,
You hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.

    -Erica Jong-

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Modern Laws

Anthony’s Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Bell’s Theorem:
As soon as the body is immersed fully in the bathtub, the telephone will ring.

Breda’s Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Cannon’s Karmic Law:
If you use the excuse that you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will actually have a flat tire.

Kovac’s Conundrum:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

Lorenz’s Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

O’brien’s Variation Law:
If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Owen’s Law:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Rubys Principle of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are in a situation where you do not want to be seen by anybody.

Willoughby’s Law:
When you try to prove to the repairman that a machine doesn’t work, it will.

Wooly’s law:
When you are working late, the boss will never be around. When you are surfing the net the boss will always drop by.

Zadra’s Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reachability of the area.

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Funny Phrases

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

All men are idiots….I married their king.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.

Out of my mind…Back in five minutes.

Hang up and drive.

Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there’s a will…I want to be on it.

It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Don’t drink and drive…You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

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Truly Funny Quotes

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.
2.. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

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Funny Phrases – Answer the questions if you can:)

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he’ll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.

How come SUPERMAN could stop bullets with his chest,
but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

If it was only a 3 hour cruise, why did MRS. HOWELL have so many clothes.

Why is it called a HAMBURGER, when it’s made out of BEEF?

Why does SOUR CREAM have an Expiration date?

What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?

If “Con” is the Opposite of “Pro”….then what is the opposite of PROGRESS?

Why is LEMON JUICE mostly artificial ingredients….
but DISH WASHING LIQUID comtains real lemons?

How much deeper would the ocean be, if SPONGES didn’t grow in it?

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Why do we wait until a PIG is dead, to “CURE” it?

Why do we wash BATH TOWELS-aren’t we clean when we use them?

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Computer Tips 4

* I hit the CTRL key but I’m still not in control!

* Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?

* Disk Full – Press F1 to belch.

* Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (V)omit

* (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?

* If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

* Programmer – A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

* Real programmers don’t document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.”

* Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.

* Relax, it’s only ONES and ZEROS!

* Will configure ones and zeros for food!

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