Funny Policemen Jokes

Arguing About The Sign

A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic.

What the driver didn’t know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away.

Policeman: “License, registration and proof of insurance please.”

Driver: “Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for, man.”

Policeman: “Watch your tone sir; you ran the stop sign back there!!”

Driver: “Man, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference!?!”

The police officer pulled out his night stick and began smashing it over the man’s head and shoulders.

Policeman: “Now, do you want me to just slow down or stop!!!?

This joke was submitted by Mad.


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The Sign

A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic. What the driver didn’t know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away. Policeman: “License, registration and proof of insurance please.” Driver: “Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for, man.” Policeman: “Watch your tone sir; you ran the stop sign back there!!” Driver: “Man, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference!?!” The police officer pulled out his night stick and began smashing it over the man’s head and shoulders. Policeman: “Now, do you want me to just slow down or stop!!!?

This joke was submitted by Gail.


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The Penguin

A police man found a penguin on the road. He picks it up and takes it to the police station. He asks the top sheriff
“What do i do with it?”
The sheriff says “Take it to the zoo”
The next day the police officer walks into the police station with the penguin.
“I thought i told you to take the penguin to the zoo” says the sheriff
“I did” says the officer, “today we’re going to the movies”

This joke was submitted by person.


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Blonde As Policewomen

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.The officer wants to ask her a few questions…. Officer: What’s 2+2? Blonde: Ummmmm… 4! Officer: What’s the square root of 100? Blonde: Ummmm… 10! Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln? Blonde: Ummmm… I dunno. Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow. The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, “Not only did I get the job, I’m already working on a murder case!”


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Speeding Ticket

A little old lady was driving along the road (relatively quickly) when a police car pulled her over. The passenger of the police car got out and walked over to her window, to tell her she was driving too fast.
“Excuse me, Ma’am,” he said, “but you’re over the speed limit. Can I see yourdrivers’ licence?”
“Don’t have one.” She replied.
“I see…well, I’ll have to take you down to the police station then.”
“Sorry,” she apologized, “but I’ve got a body in the boot and five bags of crack that needs delivering. I really don’t have much time.”Amazed and slightly worried, the officer called on his senior to investigate,
before sitting in front of the wheel in case the old lady decided to drive off suddenly. The officer walked toward the old lady to ask the problem.
“Excuse me, Ma’am,” she said, “but my partner said you don’t have a license, have a body in the back and five bags of crack you need to deliver. Mind if I check it out?”
“Not at all, Miss.” The little old lady replied. After investigating the entire car,the officer came up empty handed and walked to the front.
“I can’t find any body, or any drugs. Can I see your license?”
“Sure,” said the old lady, offering her license. “And I bet your partner thought I was speeding, too.”

This joke was submitted by Ella Wyse.


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Dumb Robber

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”


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Top 10 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over

I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.

Hey, is that a 9mm? That’s nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

Sorry officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends night stand.

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes I know there is no other car around, that’s how far they are ahead of me.

Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.


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