Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering. “What’s the matter, Mr. President?” The Vice President inquired.
“Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!” The President beamed.
“How long did it take you?”
“Well, the box said ‘3 to 5 Years’ but I did it in a month!”
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A woman politician visited a fortuneteller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
“There’s no easy way to say this,so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”
Visibly shaken, the woman politician stared at the fortune teller’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortuneteller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.
“Will I be acquitted?”
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While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they’re intelligent. “I do so by asking them the right questions,” says the Queen. “Allow me to demonstrate.”
She phones Tony Blair and says, “Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: “Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?” Tony Blair responds, “It’s me, ma’am.” “Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir,” says the Queen. She hangs up and says, “Did you get that, Mr. Bush?” “Yes ma’am. Thanks a lot. I’ll definitely be using that!”
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he’d better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, “Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me.”
“Why, of course, sir. What’s on your mind?” “Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?” Helms hems and haws and finally asks, “Can I think about it and get back to you?” Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators,and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.
Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. “Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?” Powell answers immediately, “It’s me, of course, you idiot.”
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, “I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It’s Colin Powell!” And Bush replies in disgust, “Wrong, it’s Tony Blair.”
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Russian President Boris Yeltsin, Mexican President Ernesto Zedilo and American X President Bill Clinton are in France in a restaurant.
The waiter asks, “Le cafe”?
All of them answer, “Oui!”
The waiter looks at Zedilo, “Le tequila?”
Zedilo answers, “Oui!”
The waiter looks at Yeltsin, “Le vodka?”
Yelstin answers, “Oui!”
Finally, the waiter looks at Clinton, “Le whiskey?”
Clinton answers, “PLEASE, DON’T MENTION THAT !!!”
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A guy dies and goes to heaven. It’s a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, “I’m not very busy today, why don’t you let me show you around?”
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a huge room full of clocks.
The guy asks, “What’s up with these clocks?”
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Last week, God, His Faithful Son, the Pope and Moses and His Messenger Gabriel had a very important meeting. They were troubled by the President of the United States’ inappropriate behavior. They decided that the only viable course of action left was to create an 11th Commandment to get their message across to him.
The problem they faced was how to word this new commandment so that it equaled the other commandments in style and holy inspiration. After great meditation and discussion, they concluded that number 11 should read:
“Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff.”
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A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out looking for the missing politicos, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The farmer said, “I buried ‘em all… out back.”
The sheriff then asked, “Were they ALL dead?”
The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”
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