Funny Junk

Mom phrases!!

ADULTS are group of people Mom longs to communicate with after several hours of talking in small words about topics like “who touched who first”

AIRPLANE is what Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.

ALIEN is what Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child- sized creature cleaning up after itself.

BATHROOM is a room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

BECAUSE: Mom’s reason for having kids do things which can’t be explained logically.

BED AND BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.

Read the rest of this entry »

Email This Post

A blonde walked into a doctor’s office with a hole in her hand. The doctor told her that he had to report all gunshot wounds, and this was an obvious gunshot wound, so would she please explain how it happened?

The blonde said, “Well, to be honest with you, I was trying to commit suicide, so first I stuck the gun in my mouth, but thought, wait a minute, I just had all that bridge work done, and I don’t want to ruin it. So, I pointed the gun between my eyes, and then thought, wait a minute, I just got a nose job not too long ago, and I don’t want to ruin it! Then I pointed the gun at my heart, and thought, wait a minute, I just had these boobs done, and I don’t want to ruin them! So then I stuck the gun in my ear, and thought, wait a minute, this is
going to be loud!”

Email This Post

A Little Slip

Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said, “This is Sister Margaret. There’s been a terrible mistake!” She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said that he’d get right on it.

The next day the nun didn’t hear from Saint Peter so she called him again. “Please set this error straight before tomorrow,” she begged. “There’s an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone ‘must’ attend!”

“Of course, sister,” he said. “I’ll get you out of there right away.”

Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning Saint Peter received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver with tribulations in his heart and started to listen.

She said, “Hey, Pete! This is Maggie. Never mind!”

Email This Post

A Feathered Friend

Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

JACK NICHOLSON: ’cause it f…..g wanted to. That’s the f…..g reason.

DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Read the rest of this entry »

Email This Post

A Divine Sign

A Rabbi and a Priest get into a car accident and it’s a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither cleric is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the Rabbi sees the Priest’s collar and says, “So you’re a Priest, that’s interesting. I’m a
Rabbi… Wow! Just look at our cars. There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.”

Read the rest of this entry »

Email This Post

A Day at the Bar

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, “When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese.”

Read the rest of this entry »

Email This Post