Social Media Is Like Heroin
Social media addiction is like heroin: I don't actually use it daily, but I tell people I'm quitting it constantly, and I get anxious if I can't find it in my pocket for five minutes.
Dark Humor
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The Dating App Trifecta
Dating apps taught me three things: how to write the perfect bio, how to choose my most flattering photo, and how to accept that nobody reads either one.
One Liners
The Power Outage Paradox
Duke Energy has a power outage affecting 200+ people, and somehow they're the ONLY ones with enough electricity to send you a text notification about it. It's like getting a call from your bank saying your account is frozen... from a very expensive satellite.
Funny Jokes
Dating Requirements
I need three things in a relationship: someone who listens, someone who remembers what I said, and someone who doesn't remind me I was wrong about the thing I said.
Funny Jokes
Cat vs Dog Loyalty
I asked my dog why he loves me so much. He just wagged his tail. I asked my cat the same question. She knocked my phone off the table, stared at me, and went back to sleep. Guess which one's plotting something.
Animal Jokes
Heat Wave Cooking Disaster
During this extreme heat warning, I tried to cook outside. My thermometer read 120°F. I read it as encouragement. Now my kitchen looks like a crime scene and my smoke detector's filing for emotional support.
Funny Jokes