My boss called an urgent meeting to discuss 'synergy and alignment.' I walked in excited. Two hours later, I walked out with no notes, no answers, and the strong suspicion that we'd all just paid $500 to hear the word 'touch base' seventeen times.
I started a diet Monday: grilled chicken and veggies. Wednesday: just veggies. Friday: I'm eating plain lettuce directly from the garden while eyeing the neighbor's pizza box like a hawk. Sunday: I've become one with the refrigerator.
Soccer fans need three things to understand the offside rule: a PhD in geometry, a slow-motion replay, and acceptance that even the referee doesn't know what just happened.
I texted my boss 'I'll have the report done by Friday.' Autocorrect changed it to 'I'll have the report done by Fried Egg.' Now I work in catering.
I tried a new recipe last night. It turned out so badly, the smoke alarm filed a noise complaint and the fire extinguisher asked for hazard pay.
Breaking news keeps talking about Egypt vs Iran like it's a sports match. I'm checking ESPN, Fox Sports, nothing. Turns out it's just geopolitical tensions, not a playoff. I've been disappointed by worse sports coverage.