Funny Christmas Jokes

Funny Pick Up Lines To Be Used On Christmas

You are what I want for Christmas.

Nice wrapping but I need to inspect it

I’ve got you on my “nice and naughty list!

Even Santa doesn’t make candy as sweet as you.

I like milk and cookies but I would rather have you

Shouldn’t you be sitting on top of the tree, Angel?

How about I slip down YOUR chimney, at half past midnight?

Can I take your picture? (Why?) Because I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas.

Please do not be alarmed if a big man wearing a red suit picks you up and throws you into a bag. (Why?) Because I asked for you for Christmas.


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Devil or Santa Claus

School teacher asked Little Johnny, “Do you believe in the Devil?”

“No,” said Little Johnny. “It’s the same as Santa Claus. I know it’s my daddy.”


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Honest Little Johnny

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little Hohnny and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmmm…. That’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills.”

Little Johnny quickly replied, “That’s right, lady. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.”


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Early Shopping

It was Christmas and the lawyer was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,”What are you charged with?”

“Doing my Christmas shopping early”, replied the thief.

“That’s no offense”, said the lawyer. “How early were you doing this shopping?”

“Before the store opened.”


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Santa Is A Geek

Similarities between Santa and Geeks shows Santa is A Geek

1. Santa is bearded, obese, and dresses funny.

2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving a definite answer are infinitesimal.

3. Santa seldom answers you directly but when it comes to mail he is superfast.

4. Santa doesn’t care about your deadlines.

5. Nobody can demand answers from Santa for his actions.


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Lord Army

Robbie was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Robbie by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, ‘You need to join the Army of the Lord!’

Robbie replied, ‘I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.’

Pastor questioned, ‘How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?’

He whispered back, ‘I’m in the secret service.’


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Five Things to Say about Gifts You Don’t Like

1. Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes, that would’ve fit.

2. It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.

3. I really don’t deserve this.

4. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!

5. I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.


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