Funny New Year Jokes

New Years Resolution For Geeks

I will try to figure out why I “really” need 10 e-mail addresses.

When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL… LOL!”

I resolve to work with my own neglected children.

I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.

I will try to spend at least one hour without internet when I am not sleeping

I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning when I wake to go to washroom.

I will stop sending e-mail to my better half for letting him/her know when I will be coming down for dinner

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Nine Funny New Year Quotes

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions!
– Joey Adams

Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits.
– Unknown

A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
– Unknown

Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account
– Oscar Wilde

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
– Bill Vaughan

New Year’s Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.
– James Agate

New Year’s Day…now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.
– Mark Twain

I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me.
– Anais Nin

New Year’s is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.
– Mark Twain

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Life Worth Living

On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck – the bartender was almost crushed to death.

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New Year’s Resolution for A Smoker

A young man at a New Year’s party turns to his friend and asks for a cigarette.

‘I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,’ his friend says.

‘I’m in the process of quitting,’ the man says.

‘Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.’

‘What’s phase one?’

‘I’ve quit buying.’

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New Year’s Day

As in many homes on New Year’s Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important – the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.

Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even bought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.

“See?” she said, continuing to smile, “You didn’t miss a thing.”

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