Funny Office Jokes

Murphy’s Laws of Offices

1. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

2. Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced,you can’t be promoted.

3. Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in and say nothing about the other.

4. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

5. There is never enough time to do it right the first time but there is always enough time to do it over.

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Tax Collector Office

An old man walks into the tax collector’s office and sat down and smiled at everyone.

“May I help you?” said the clerk in charge.

“No,” said the old man. “I just wanted to meet the people I have been working for all these years.”

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Office Terms Redefined

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

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Blonde Giving Interview

A Blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office.

The interviewer starts with the basics. “So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?”

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying “Ehhhh… 22!”

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. “And can you tell us your height, please?”

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces “Five foot two!”

This isn’t looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won’t have to count, measure, or lookup.

“Just to confirm for our records, your name please?”

The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying “MANDY!”

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks – “What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?”

“Ohhhh, that!” replies the airhead… ” I was just running through that song – ‘Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear..

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The patient demanded, “Doc, I just must have a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a cornea transplant, a lung transplant, and a heart transplant.”

“WHAT?” yelled the doctor. “Tell me, exactly why you think you need all these transplants. ”

“Well,” explained the patient, “my boss told me that I needed to get reorganized. “

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Employee Motivation

The owner of a company tells his employees:

You worked very hard this year therefore the company’s profits increased dramatically. As a reward, I ‘ll give everyone a check for $5000. If you work with the same zeal next year, I’ll sign those checks.

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Me and My Boss

When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.

When I don’t do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.

When I do it without being told, I’m trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.

When I please my boss, that’s brown-nosing.
When my boss pleases his boss, that’s co-operating.

When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.

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