Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.
School:A place where Papa pays and Son plays.
Life Insurance:A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise after death
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1.If all the nations in the world are in debt(am not joking. even US has got debts), where did all the money go?
2.When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
3.If the ‘black box’ flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
4.Why do people say, ‘you’ve been working like a dog’ when dogs just sit around all day?
5.Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?
6.Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep?
7.What came first, the fruit or the color orange?
8.If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
9.Why is it called a ‘building’ when it is already built?
10.Why is it called a TV set when theres only one?
11.If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
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Where there’s a will, there are five hundred relatives.
They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
Experience is what a comb gives you after you lose your hair.
Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.
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If a train station is where the train stops and a bus station is where the bus stops, what is a work station?
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A big company offered $50 for each money-saving idea submitted by its employees. First prize went to the employee who suggested the award be cut to $25.
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I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.
From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Anyone who believes you can’t change history has never tried to write his memoirs.
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
Copying an idea from an author is plagiarism. Copying many ideas from many authors is research.
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.
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The Dictionary: what hi-tech salespeople say and what they mean by it
New: Different color from previous design.
All new: Parts not interchangable with previous design.
Unmatched: Almost as good as the competition.
Designed simplicity: Manufacturer’s cost cut to the bone.
Foolproof operation: No provision for adjustments.
Advanced design: The advertising agency doesn’t understand it.
Field-tested: Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
High accuracy: Unit on which all parts fit.
Direct sales only: Factory had big argument with distributor.
Years of development: We finally got one that works.
Revolutionary: It’s different from our competitors.
Breakthrough: We finally figured out a way to sell it.
Improved: Didn’t work the first time.
Futuristic: No other reason why it looks the way it does.
Distinctive: A different shape and color than the others.
Re-designed: Previous faults corrected, we hope.
Hand-crafted: Assembly machines operated without gloves on.
Performance proven: Will operate through the warranty period.
Meets all standards: Ours, not yours.
Broadcast quality: Gives a picture and produces noise.
High reliability: We made it work long enough to ship it.
SMPTE bus compatible: When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound.
New generation: Old design failed, maybe this one will work.
MIL-SPEC components: We got a good deal at a government auction.
Customer service across the country: You can return it from most airports.
Unprecedented performance: Nothing we ever had before worked this way.
Built to precision tolerances: We finally got it to fit together.
Microprocessor controlled: Does things we can’t explain.
Latest aerospace technology: One of our techs was laid off by Boeing.
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