Here are the redefined definitions after the world economy slumped due to global recession. 
1. CEO – Chief Embezzlement Officer.
2. CFO – Corporate Fraud Officer.
3. BULL MARKET – A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
4. STOCK ANALYST – Stupid who just downgraded your stock.
5. PROFIT — A historic word no longer in use.
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In the high way, there is a big pit, and many accidents happens in this pit every day three workers discussed to solve the problem. The first suggest to send ambulance car beside the pit to be standby for any accident that send him quickly to hospital!!!!
The second said, no, he may die in the way to hospital, so is better to build hospital beside the pit !!!!
The third, the most clever said is too expensive to build hospital beside the pit, so we have to fill this pit in the highway and dig one beside the hospital in the city
This joke was submitted by Haidar.
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The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
‘We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting. In a chair .. . . Kill her!!’
The man said, ‘You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.’
The agent said, ‘Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.’
The second man was given the same instructions.He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, ‘I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.’ The agent said, ‘You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.’
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
‘This gun is loaded with blanks’ she said. ‘I had to beat him to death with the chair.
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Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road.Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd:
“If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?” The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies:”Okay.”
The young man parks the car,connects his laptop to the mobile-fax,enters a NASA Webster, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled withlogarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 10 page report on his high-tech mini-printer.
He turns to the shepherd and says, “You have exactly 1,586 sheep here.”
The shepherd cheers,”That’s correct, you an have your sheep.” The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche.
The shepherd looks at him and asks: “If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?” The young man answers, “Yes, why not”.
The shepherd says, “You are a Management Consultant from a top-notch consultancy”.
How did you know?” asks the surprised young man.
“Very simple,” answers the shepherd.
“First, you came here without being called.
Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, And
Third, you don’t understand anything about my business…
Now can I have my DOG back?”
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If you have been in IT industry too long these are your symptoms:
1.) U use phrases like “No issues” and “Value addition” in everyday parlance. For e.g. When talking about your doodhwalla, U say, “His milk does zero value addition to my health but he is the only guy around so no issues”
2.) Ur prime source of entertainment is the forwards send to U by friends whose faces U cant remember.
3.) U drink more tea or coffee than water.
4.) U keep trying to shut down ur home computer by pressing Ctrl+Alt+Del (used to lock office comps)
5.) When ur mobile rings at home, U rush outside to receive the call.
6.) When U make calls at home, U accidentally dial “0″to get an outside line.
7.) U haven’t played Solitaire with real cards in years.
8.) Ur last crush was a girl in HR, ur current crush is the new girl in HR and all ur crushes in the future will be girls in HR.
9.) U spend the entire day reading forwards, smoking cigarettes, drinking tea/coffee and playing T.T. and then complain about the late working hours.
10.) Ur important ‘meetings’ usually comprise two or three people max, including yourself.
11) U secretly prepare for CAT only to find ur PL sitting behind you at the exam.
13.) U keep pressing Ctrl+Enter wondering why your gmail is not going.
14.) U email ur mate who works at the desk next to U.
15.) As U read this list, U r thinking of sending it to ur friends who are also in IT.
16.)U r too busy to notice there was no line no. 12
17.)U r not sure so u scroll back check it .
18.)And now u r smiling!!!!
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Three contractors . . . one from India, another from Germany and the third from England are bidding to repair the White House fence. A senior White House official takes them to examine it.
The English contractor : takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works on some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says. “I figure the job will cost $900 . . . $400 for materials, $400 for labour and $100 profit for me.”
The German contractor : also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700 . . . $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.”
The Indian contractor doesn’t measure or do any figuring, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: “$2,700.”
The official incredulously says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”
“Easy,” the Indian explains, “$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Germany to do the work!”
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One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.
MOM: “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school.”
SON: “But why, Mama? I don’t want to go to school.”
MOM: “Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go to school.”
SON: “One, all the children hate me.. Two, all the teachers hate me.”
MOM: “Oh! that’s not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school.”
SON: “Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?”
MOM: “One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.”
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