Funny Animal Jokes

Beware of Dog

Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a warning sign that read: “Danger! Beware of dog!” posted on the door. Inside, he noticed a harmless little dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?” he asked the owner. “Yep, that’s him,” came the reply.

The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?” “Because,” the owner explained, “Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

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Redneck Talking With A Frog

A talking Frog told John, John, you don’t have any brain.

John said, I have it.

Frog repeated, No you don’t.

Excited John yelled, Yes, I have it.

Angry Frog, screamed, No hell, you don’t. and Frog jumps into the water.

Perturbed John mumbled to himself, There was no need to drown and commit suicide for it!!

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Lab Report and Cat Scan

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry, your pet has passed away.”

The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure. The duck is dead,” he replied.

“How can you be so sure”, she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hindlegs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again.

The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill.

“$150!” she cried. “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!”

The vet shrugged. “I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have only been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up.”

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Facebook Status of Animals

If animals have Facebook account these are most likely their status…

COCKROACH : Manage to skip from sum1’s foot step…

CAT : My 7th child is asking who is her dad..?? What shall i tell her..?? I don’t even remember…

MOSQUITO : i am HIV positive……this all due to wrong sucking…

CHICKEN : if tomorrow m not updating my status means i am being served in KFC…

PIG : oh gosh..!! They throw the gossips that i m spreading flu…

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Winning Attitude

Three ants saw an elephant coming.

Ant 1: we will kill him

Ant 2: we will break his legs

Ant 3: Forgive him guys, he is alone and we are 3.

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Faithful Dog

A man went to sell his dog. A buyer asked him, “Is this dog faithful?”

The man replied, “Yes, I have sold him 3 times but he returns to me.”

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Four Intelligent Dogs

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were.

One man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog. “T-square, do your stuff.” T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that that that was pretty smart.

The accountant said that his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said,”Spreadsheet, do your stuff.” Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each.

Everyone agreed that that was good.

The chemist said that his dog could do better still.he called to his dog and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten-ounce glass from the cupboard, and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that that was pretty impressive.

Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, “What can your dog do?”

The government worker called to his dog and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.” Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, claimed he had injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker’ compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

They all agreed that that was brilliant!

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