Funny Drunk Jokes

Stealing Bus

Because they’ve spent all their cash on booze during a night on the town, Dave and Eric have no money for a taxi home.

Dave has a drunken idea. “Let’s steal a bus!”

He persuades Eric to break into the bus station. But 20 minutes later, Eric has failed to emerge.

Dave sticks his head round the door. “What on earth are you doing?”

“I can’t find a number seven anywhere,” says a distressed Eric.

“You idiot,” shouts Dave, shaking his head in disbelief. “Just steal a number nine. We can get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way.”

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Love for Beer

A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job.

He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it.

He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, “You are the reason I don’t have a wife”, second bottle, “You are the reason I don’t have my children”, third bottle “You are the reason I lost my job”.

He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says “Stand aside my dear friend; I know you were not involved”.

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Lost All My Luggage

A drunkard arrived at J.F.K. Airport and as soon as he came out he started to cry. He was crying so loudly that crowd gathered and asked,”What happened?”

The drunkard said. “I’ve lost all my luggage!”

“How’d that happen?” asked a concerned person

“The cork fell out of the bottle and now all I am left is an empty bottle” said drunkard.

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Hard To Find

Two friends Monty and Jonty were sitting in a park and drinking beer.

Monty said “I think I’m going to divorce my wife – she hasn’t spoken to me in over 6 months.”

Jonty sips his beer and says, “You better think it over – women like that are hard to find.”

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Good Gift

Henry was sitting at a bar. He was totally depressed. The bartender, serving him a drink, asked what was wrong. “I’ll never understand women” said Henry. “The other night on my birthday, my wife said as my gift, I could do with her what I wanted.” “Wow! That’s quite some gift” said the bartender. “So why are you so dejected?” “Well I thought about it for a while” said Henry, “and decided to send her home to her mother, and now she won’t even speak to me!”

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Are You Drunk?

The car sped off the highway, went through the guard rail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop. A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.

“Good lord, mister,” he gasped, “Are you drunk?”

“Of course,” said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. “What the hell do you think I am … a stunt driver?”

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Drunker and his Neighbor

A drunkard was coming home from a local liquor shop late at night. He lived alone and locked his house whenever he went out.

As he neared his house he took out his key to open the lock, but he could not manage to put the key into the hole.
After trying this repeatedly, he was tired.

A neighbor who was witnessing the scene took pity on him and said, “Give me the key I will get it open for you.”
The drunkard looked for a while, and said to him, “The lock will be opened by me, but do me a favor, please hold the house firmly, while I do the rest. Damn it, it is shaking like a pendulum.”

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