1) The farm was used to produce produce.

2) We must polish the Polish furniture.

3) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

4) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

5) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

6) I did not object to the object.

7) They were too close to the door to close it.

8 ) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

9) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

Deer Kill 17,000

Eye Drops off Shelf

War Dims Hope for Peace

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Include your Children When Baking Cookies

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

If Strike isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

1. No thanks, I’m married.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.

4. I’m not interested in fighting you.

5. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I’d hate to look like a fool!

6. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

7. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

* I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.

* I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn’t actually reach it.

* I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.

* I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.

* I couldn’t figure out whether I am the square of negative one or I am the square root of negative one.

I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

1. I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

2. You have a good family tree, but the crop is a failure.

3. You are dark and handsome; when it’s dark, you are handsome.

4. I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

5. You are not totally useless, you can be used as an bad example!

6. It’s amazing you love nature so much in spite of what it did to you.

7. I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you’ve never used it.

8. I reprimanded my brother for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool.

9. Anybody who told you to be yourself, simply couldn’t have given you worse advice.

10. I don’t mind that you are talking so long as you don’t mind that I’m not listening.

11. Some people bring happiness wherever they go – you bring happiness whenever you go.

12. People can’t say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!

13. I think Mother Nature really hates you because you remind her so much of all her mistakes!

14. I don’t think you are a fool. But then, what’s my own humble opinion against thousands of others?

15. All of your girlfriends kiss you with their eyes closed. Considering your face, that’s the only way they could.

1. I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.
– Stephen Bishop

2 . I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.
– Groucho Marx

3. I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
– Mark Twain

4. He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
– Oscar Wilde

5. . I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend… if you have one.
George Bernard Shaw sent it to Winston Churchill

Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one.
Winston Churchill’s response to what George Bernard Shaw sent

Sign in restaurant window: “Eat now – Pay waiter.”

Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you.

If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?

A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Birthday cake is the only food you can blow on and spit on and everybody rushes to get a piece.

It’s called “fast” food because you’re supposed to eat it really fast. Otherwide, you might actually taste it.

WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on

TIRE: Male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick up people.

HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

HAMMER: Male, because it hasn’t evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.

HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it… and, of course, there’s the hot air part.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

REMOTE CONTROL: Female..gives man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Grooms, once you marry, please remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always try to get the last two words in: “Yes dear”