Funny Quotes

Six Bachelors Quotes You Will Enjoy Reading

Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!!

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.
– Oscar Wilde

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t, they’d be married too.
– H. L. Mencken

A Bachelor of Arts is one who makes love to a lot of women, and yet has the art to remain a bachelor.
– Helen Rowland

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
– Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a man who comes to work each morning from a different direction.
– Sholom Aleichem

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Nine Funny New Year Quotes

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions!
– Joey Adams

Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits.
– Unknown

A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
– Unknown

Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account
– Oscar Wilde

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
– Bill Vaughan

New Year’s Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.
– James Agate

New Year’s Day…now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.
– Mark Twain

I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me.
– Anais Nin

New Year’s is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.
– Mark Twain

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Funny Birthday Quotes

There is still no cure for the common birthday.

Birthdays are nature’s way of telling us to eat more cake.

The best birthdays of all are those that haven’t arrived yet.

The only assured gift that every one of us gets on our birthday is another year.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

My wife hasn’t had a birthday in 4 years. She was born in the year of …………. Lord-only-knows

Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, ‘Happy Birthday’.

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.

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What is Mathematics?

Mathematics consists in proving the most obvious thing in the least obvious way.
– George Polya

Mathematics is made of 50 percent formulas, 50 percent proofs, and 50 percent imagination.

Mathematics is the art of giving the same name to different things.
– J. H. Poincare

“Mathematics is a game played according to certain simple rules with meaningless marks on paper.”
– David Hilbert

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Funniest Drinking Quotes

What whiskey will not cure, there is no cure for.
– Irish proverb

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
– Ernest Hemmingway

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. -Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. – Winston Churchill replied

I drink to make other people interesting.
-George Jean Nathan

If you don’t drink, then all of your stories suck and end with, “And then I got home
– Jim Jefferies

An alcoholic has been lightly defined as a man who drinks more than his own doctor.
– Alvan L. Barach

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Mother of Famous People

“I don’t care what you’ve discovered,
you still could have written!”

“All right, if you aren’t hiding your report card
inside your jacket, take your hand out of
there and show me.”

“Again with the stovepipe hat? Can’t you just
wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”

“I’m not upset that your lamb followed you to school,
but I would like to know how he got a
better grade than you.”

“Can’t you paint on walls like other children?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to
get that stuff off the ceiling?”

“The next time I catch you throwing money across
the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!”

“I don’t care where you think you have to go,
young man, midnight is past your curfew.”

“But it’s your senior picture.
Can’t you do something about your hair?
OY! Styling gel, mousse, something… ?”

“Of course I’m proud that you invented the
electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!”

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Funny Sport Quotes

These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world.

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, “Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye.”

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:”I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”

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