A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The three men try to solve the problem.

The project manager said: “Let’s catch a cab and in ten minutes we’ll reach our destination.”

The computer programmer said: “We have here the driver’s guide. I can easily replace the flat tire and continue our drive.”

The computer operator said: “First of all, let’s turn off the engine and turn it on again. Maybe it will fix the problem.”

Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said: “Try to close all windows, get off the car, and then get in and try again.”

* Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
* If it’s really a “rush job,” run in and interrupt me every ten minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps.
*Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
* If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors is good training.
*If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.
*Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.
*If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret.
*If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.
*If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.
*Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life.

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”

The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”

Doctor: “Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?”
Nurse: “No change yet.”

A man calls the fire department and says, “Yes, I have just had my front yard landscaped, I have a nice new flower bed, a new fish pond with a fountain and a new rose garden.”

“Very nice,” the firefighter says, “but what does that have to do with the fire service?”

“Well,” the man answers, “the house next door is on fire and I don’t want you to trample my front yard.”

I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Anyone who believes you can’t change history has never tried to write his memoirs.

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

Copying an idea from an author is plagiarism. Copying many ideas from many authors is research.

A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.

How can you tell when a salesperson is lying?
His lips are moving.

A salesman walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared.
“I will grant you three wishes,” announced the genie. “But since Satan still hates me, for every wish you make, your rival gets the wish as well — only double.”

The salesman thought about this for a while. “For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars,” he announced.
Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. “But your rival has just received $20,000,000,” the genie said.

“I’ve always wanted a Ferrari,” the salesman said.
Instantly a Ferrari appeared. “But your rival has just received two Ferraris,” the genie said. “And what is your last wish?”

“Well,” said the salesman, “I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant.”

The classified ad said, “Wanted: CEO needs a one armed consultant, with a social sciences degree and five years of experience.”

The man who won the job asked, “I understand most of the qualifications you required, but why ‘one armed’?”

The CEO answered, “I have had many consultants, and I am tired of hearing with each advice the phrase ‘on the other hand’.”

A physician, a civil engineer, and a consultant were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.

The physician remarked, “Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world.”

The civil engineer interrupted, and said, “But even earlier in the book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering. Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong: mine is the oldest profession in the world.”

The consultant leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, “Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?”