An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
‘Let’s have a party, Homer,’ she suggested. ‘Let’s kill a pig.’
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. ‘Geeee,’ he finally answered, ‘I don’t see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.’
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Patient: You couldn’t treat my malaria disease, don’t I have cancer?
Doctor: No, why do you think that?
Patient: Another doctor treated my friend as a malaria patient, but he died on cancer.
Doctor: Relax, I don’t do much mistakes. If I treat anyone as a malaria patient, he always dies due to malaria.
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Derek: I thought there was a choice for lunch today.
Josie: There is.
Derek: No, there isn’t. There’s only cheese pie.
Josie: You can choose to eat it or leave it.
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Doctor: Hello. I’m calling about the check you wrote. It came back.
Old Patient: So did my arthritis.
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A woman called her doctor to complain about her husband’s snoring. “Is there anything you can do?”
“Well, there is one operation that will cure your husband, but it’s rather expensive. $1,000 plus $450 a month for 36 months.”
“My god!” exclaimed the woman, “that’s like leasing a sports car!”
“Hmm,” the doctor murmured. “Too obvious, eh?”
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Patient: How much do you charge for extracting a tooth?
Doctor: Fifty dollars.
Patient: Fifty dollars, for only a few second’s work?
Doctor: Well, I will do it very slowly.
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A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office.
‘Is it true,’ she wanted to know, ‘that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life? ‘
‘Yes, I’m afraid so,’ the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, ‘I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’.’
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Doctor: Mrs. Samantha, you look exhausted.
Samantha (A blonde) : I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it.
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An old patient goes to a doctor.
Doctor: “What is it that’s brought you here?”
Patient: “An ambulance. Why?”
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A patient complained to his doctor, “I’ve been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis.”
The doctor calmly replied, “Just wait until the autopsy, then you’ll see that I was right.”
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Old Man : Doctor doctor, I think I need glasses.
Waiter: You certainly do, you’ve just walked into a fast food joint!!
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A doctor walks into a bank, totally exhausted after a 20 hour shift.
Preparing to write a check, he pulls a thermometer out of his pocket and tries to write with it.
Finally noticing he said, “Well, that’s just great……. ..That’s really great……. …Some one’s got my pen.”
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A man walks into his doctor’s office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, “I can’t talk! Help me!”
The doctor nodded sagely, and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered.
The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man’s thumb with it as hard as he could.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAA! !!” the man yelled.
“Good, good,” the doctor said. “Come back tomorrow and we’ll work on the `B’.”
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The young mother was advised by a psychiatrist, “You are far too upset and worried about your son. I am going to give you a prescription for some tranquillizers that I want you to start taking regularly.”
On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, “Have the tranquilizers calmed you down any?”
“Oh, yes” the mother answered. “They do wonders for me.”
“And how is your son now?” he asked.
She replied, “Who cares …”
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“The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.”
“And did he?”
“Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill.”
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Why mathematicians are afraid drive a car?
Because the width of the road is negligible comparing to its length.
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Doctor!!
What happened?
I have fever.
Ok, go back to your home; take a bath with ice cold water, then lie under fan for 12 hours without any clothes. Come back tomorrow.
I will be fine then?
No. you will get Pneumonia.
What?
Don’t worry. I am only a Pneumonia specialist.
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A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, “Would you like to dance?”
The girl says, “I don’t like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn’t dance with you.”
The guy says, “I’m sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants.”
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Scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists gave100 men 24 bottles of beer each.
The scientists observed that 100% of the male test group gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn’t drive.
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A farmer from Europe visits his son in America for the very first time. They went to a local supermarket.
farmer : “Vas diss, powdered orange juice?”
Son: “Yeah, Dad. You just add water, and you have fresh orange juice!”
A few minutes later, in a different aisle the farmer says: “And whats dis, powdered milk?”
Son: “Yeah, Dad. You just add water, and you have fresh milk!”
A few minutes later, the farmer says: “Und give look here. Baby Powder! Vat a country! They take da fun outta everyting!”
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