Same Color
One day blonde Samantha asks her friend Rosy, “So Rosy what did you get for Christmas?”
Rosy, “Oh see that brand new red Ferrari outside?”
Samantha says, “OOOOH WOW!!! I got the same exact color tie!”
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Clean Jokes - Page 12
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Sense of Responsibility.
A man goes into library and asks for a book on suicide. Librarian looks him and says,
.
.
Who will return the book back!
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Winning Attitude
Three ants saw an elephant coming.
Ant 1: we will kill him
Ant 2: we will break his legs
Ant 3: Forgive him guys, he is alone and we are 3.
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Nurse and Doctor
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation.
A nurse stopped him and asked, “What’s the matter?”
He said, “I heard the nurse say, It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry. I’m sure it will be all right.”
“She was just trying to comfort you. What’s so frightening about that?”
“She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!”
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Cherry on the Top
A fat girl went into a cafe and ordered two slices of apple pie with four scoops of ice cream cover with lashings of raspberry sauce and piles of chopped nuts. ‘Would you like a cherry on the top ?’ asked the waitress. ‘No, thanks,’ said the girl, ‘I’m on a diet !’
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Gotta Catch Him
A farmer asked his vet to come out to check on his favorite bull who wasn’t doing well at all.
After checking the bull’s vital signs, the vet reached in his black bag and pulled out a rather large pill.
He forced open the bull’s mouth and crammed the pill down his gullet.
Suddenly the bull jumped up and took off like a banshee, jumping every fence in his way.
The vet exclaimed, “Well, looks like your bull is healed!”
The farmer replied, “Now give me one of those pills. I’ve gotta catch him!”
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Thieves In Car
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.
“They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!” he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.
“Never mind,” he said with a hiccup, “I got in the back seat by mistake.”
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Fake Gift
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, “I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles.”
“She did,” he replied. “But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?”
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True Fisherman
George went fishing, but at the end of the day he had not caught one fish. On the way back to camp, he stopped at a fish store.
I want to buy three trout, he said to the owner. But instead of putting them in a bag, throw them to me.
Why should I do that? the owner asked. So I can tell everyone that I caught three fish!
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Little Johnny Fishing
Little Johnny sat on the side of the road with a fishing line down the drain. Feeling sorry for him, and wanting to humor him, a lady gave him 50 cents, and kindly asked “How many have you caught?”
“You re the tenth this morning,” said Little Johnny
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Laziest Soldier
A sergeant was addressing a squad of 20 and said: “I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest.” 19 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man “why didn’t you raise your hand?” The man replied: “Too much trouble, sarge.”
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Idiot Doc
Doctor: What seems to be your trouble?
Old Patient: When I get up I feel dizzy for one hour.
Doctor: Try getting up one hour later.
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Little Johnny Doing Math
Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4 ?
Little Johnny: That’s not fair you answer the easy ones and leave us with the hard one !
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Five Excuses for not doing Homework
* I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.
* I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn’t actually reach it.
* I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.
* I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.
* I couldn’t figure out whether I am the square of negative one or I am the square root of negative one.
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Spit in Beer
A guy walks in a bar, and buys a huge beer. Then he sees someone he knows, and decides to go and say hi to them, but he does not want to drag his beer mug with him.
So he sets it on a table, along with a note “I spit in this beer” hoping that no one will steal it then.
Upon return, he sees another note saying “Me too!”
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Girl or Salad
First boy: She had a beautiful pair of eyes, her skin had the glow of a peach, her cheeks were like apples and her lips like cherries – that’s my girl.
Second boy: Sounds like a fruit salad to me.
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How Much Do I Owe You?
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, “My wife is drowning and I can’t swim. Please save her. I ll give you a hundred dollars.” The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, “Okay, where’s my hundred dollars?” The man said, “Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law.” The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, “Just my luck. How much do I owe you?”
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Steelhead in River
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.”
“We don’t have any.” replied the first blonde.
“Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses.” said the Game Warden.
“But officer,” replied the second blonde,”we aren’t fishing. All we have are magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.”
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. “Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game Warden, “take all the debris you want.” And with that, the Game Warden left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. “What a dumb Fish Cop,” the second blonde said to the other two, “doesn’t he know that there are steelhead in this river?!
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Valid Fishing License
A couple of young guys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the game warden. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell and hot on his heels came the game warden. After about a half mile, the guy stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the game warden finally caught up to him. “Let’s see yer fishin license, boy!” the warden gasped. With that, the guy pulled out his wallet and gave the game warden a valid fishing license. “Well, son,” said the Game Warden. “You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don’t have to run from me if you have a valid license!” “Yes sir,” replied the young feller. “But my friend back there, well, he don’t have one…”
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Who I Am?
The fishing season hasn’t opened and a fisherman who doesn’t have a license, is casting for trout as a stranger approaches and asks “Any luck?” “Any luck? This is a wonderful spot. I took 10 out of this stream yesterday” he boasts.
“Is that so? By the way, do you know who I am?” asks the stranger. “Nope.” “Well, meet the new game warden.” “Oh,” gulped the fisherman. “Well, do you know who I am?” “Nope”. “Meet the biggest liar in the state.”
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