In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her peace.
When she was done, one of the old farmers stood up and said, “What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?”
Quick as a flash, the woman replied, “Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!”
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A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of wheat on the road. The farmer that lived nearby came to investigate.
“Hey, Willis,” he called out, “forget your troubles for a while and come and have dinner with us. Then I’ll help you overturn the wagon.”
“That’s very nice of you,” Willis answered, “but I don’t think Dad would like me to.”
“Aw, come on, son!” the farmer insisted.
“Well, OK,” the boy finally agreed, “but Dad won’t like it.”
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked the host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Dad’s going to be real upset.”
“Don’t be silly!” said the neighbor. “By the way, where is he?”
“Under the wagon,” replied Willis.
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Juan was driving down a country lane in his pickup when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him. He slammed on his brakes, but realized that the chicken was speeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour. Intrigued, he tried to follow the bird with his truck, but he couldn’t catch up to the accelerating chicken. Seeing it turn into a small farm, Juan followed it. To his astonishment, he realized that the chicken had three legs. Looking around the small farm, he noticed that ALL of the chickens had three legs.
The farmer came out of his house, and Juan said, “Three-legged chickens? That’s astonishing!”
The farmer replied, “Yep. I bred ’em that way because I love drumsticks.”
Juan was curious. “How does a three-legged chicken taste?”
The farmer smiled. “Dunno. Haven’t been able to catch one yet.”
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A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man’s work, saying, “May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!”
A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it’s like a completely different place — the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows. “Amazing!” the preacher says. “Look what God and you have accomplished together!”
“Yes, Reverend,” says the farmer, “but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!”
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The farmer’s son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken’s his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open.
Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate.
Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
“Pa, the chickens got loose,” the boy confessed sadly, “but I managed to find all twelve of them.”
“Well, you did real good, son,” the farmer beamed. “You left with seven.”
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A doctor got a call from a very excited woman, “My son just swallowed the aspirins, what shall I do?”
Doctor replied, “Just give him a headache, what else can you do now?”
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Doctor: You seem to be in excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as clockwork.
Patient: That’s because you’ve got your hand on my watch!
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An irate woman burst into the baker’s shop and said, “I sent my son in for two pounds of cookies this morning but when I weighed them there was only one pound. I suggest you check your scales.” The baker looked at her calmly for a moment or two and then replied, “Ma’am, I suggest you weigh your son.”
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Math Teacher : If a=b and b=c then a=c, now give me the practical example of this principle from real life.
Student : I love you sir and you love your daughter which means I love your daughter.
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Doctor- You’re overweight
Lady- I think I want a second opinion
Doctor- OK, you’re also ugly.
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Student– “Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?”
TEACHER – “Of course not.”
Student– “Good, because I haven`t done my homework.”
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A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.
There was a big sign posted. “No bills larger than $20 will be accepted.”
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, “Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn’t be eating here.”
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A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, “I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours.”
The banker said, “Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him.”
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Employer: “In this job we need someone who is responsible.”
Applicant: “I’m the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
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An advertisement for an aviation school claimed it could teach anyone to drive an Aircraft in five minutes or less.
I called them up and asked “How can you teach anyone to drive in five minutes or less?”
They answered “It’s a crash course.”
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Q: During Indian Marriage ceremony why is the bridegroom made to sit on the horse?
A: He is given his last chance to run away…!!
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Two men are walking in the woods when suddenly one falls down and appears dead. The other hastily calls 911 and says “Operator you have to help me. my friend fell down and he looks dead!” The operator then says, “Okay, i’m going to need you to remain calm. First check to make sure he’s dead.” the man says “Okay hold on a second.” The operator then hears a gunshot and the man comes back on. “Okay, what now?”
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An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to get rid of a large supply of garbage from his recent stay at an apartment. After a long search, he just couldn’t find any place to discard of it. So, he just went down one of the side streets to dump it there.
Yet, he was stopped by a Moscow police officer, who said, “Hey you, what are you doing?”
“I have to throw this away,” replied the tourist.
“You can’t throw it away here. Look, follow me,” the policeman offered.
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. “Here,” said the cop, “dump all the garbage you want.”
The American shrugs, opens up the large bags of garbage, and dumps them right on the flowers.
“Thanks for giving me a place to dump this stuff. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?” asked the tourist.
“No. This is the American Embassy.”
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There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed. The manager said “To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution.” The engineer said “No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it.” The programmer said “I think you’re both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again.”
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Teacher: Which is the oldest animal in the world?
Little Johnny: “ZEBRA”
Teacher: Shocked, how?
Little Johnny: Because it is still “black and white”
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